The Greatest Misadventure Of All Time.....Being Me

Fan Pages on Facebook. The utter Bullshit Surrounding it. Vanity at it's best.

2010-06-10T23:10:00.000-07:00

Fan pages. That bewilders me. Facebook has numerous applications, but as of recent times, fan pages on facebook have been teeming with individuals who are absolutely delusional. Most consists of aspiring singers, rappers, models, photographers and absolute morons who call themselves leaders.

Vanity.

Vanity. This is what you THINK you look like.

It's a sin that we just can't get enough of. It's delicious, it's tasty and it involves me, me, me and by that i mean you, you, you. The act of loving your own reflection in the mirror and inside your head theres this mantra going on and on like a broken recorder that "you're hot" "you're awesome" " you're sexy" and "they suck". The sin that makes you look down on everyone else, and puts your ass all high and mighty. It's almost as if your own shit smells sweeter than others. Like it's dabbled with some vanity perfume that fills up your nostrils and clouds your head and which finally turns you into a first class douche bag of the highest order.

This is what you REALLY look like. Vanity is hazardous.

Call it an ego complex, where your head gets too big you crash under your own weight.

There is however the justified ego. Where you're actually good at something and your head gets too big for it's own good, and then you get backlash for it, and you just prove yourself and the world onwards that you do deserve that right to be an egoistical bastard. Take Kanye West for example. Dude is so in love with himself he listens to his own shit in his own house and calls it dope. The guy keeps hyping himself up everywhere he goes and when he doesn't win awards he throws tantrums like a lil toddler. Now if he was some shitty ass douche bag with nothing to prove, i'd deem him a waste of space. But you have to hand it to Kanye, aside from his moronic jibber jabber blabber mouth which is always full of himself, the man has a lot of talent and his music is always a hit. He proves the world wrong with his work. So in that sense, the egoistical bastard can justify his egoness with his hard work which is appreciated by the world. Fair play, those kinda people get a pass.

im so AWESOME!

But then there are the morons who have the delusional ego. The douchebags who have absolutely nothing to prove, whose work is absolute rip offs of other peoples originality, and the pain in the ass part is that they actually think their crap is so good its meant to be shared to the rest of the world because its shat out by god himself, when in actual fact, its as sweet as a steaming pile of feces, or shall i be more crude and describe it as blood stained shit left in the sun to rot and which smells so bad it kills anyone on first scent. Yes i'd go that far.

Why? Because it's painfully annoying to have idiotic delusional individuals as such spamming my facebook every day of every month of every year with fan page requests and filling my inbox with all their spewing crap.

It is an abortion of lousy talent.

I mean theres this one girl whom iv declined to join her facebook fan page for about 10 times now, and yet she keeps sending me requests all the god damn time. I can see that your clearly spamming everyone on your facebook to join your shitty little photography fan page group but hey, if it was anywhere near half decent, i wouldn't mind joining it. However, half the pictures on her fan page that she's taken looks like something i'd rather wipe my ass with. Hell if my dog pissed on the floor right now, i'd use those pictures to clean the piss up. It's that awful. Nothing original, extremely cheesy, and it's extremely tacky. Tacky tacky tacky. I'm not going to post her shit up here and make fun of her cause that's just beneath me, but it is horrendous and you'd have to take my word for it.

Then there are the self proclaimed rappers who think they have what it takes to spit some beats. God awful jack offs who only know how to cuss and spit verses that are full of shit about hoes, women, cash and rides. Anything else out of that, would be a lost cause on society. None of their verses are original and none of their beats are even worth the time. It's almost like someone's injecting me with stupid, making me dumber by the second. And might i add that their all just posers? A poser is someone who tries to be something their not. Try to dress a certain way, try to talk in a brooklyn or harlem new york accent when really they have a lala ah beng accent or a macha from the ghetto accent or a melayu rempit accent, try to pass off their shit as something else totally new when it's the same bullshit you've heard over and over again. These are posers. And it's the posers that are so deluded to think their shit is so sweet they force feed you this crap again and again and again on facebook. To quote Ludacris, "its ludicrous." I get so fed up with these Malaysian kiddos who come and say shit like " YO MAN IM FROM DIAMOND BAY NIGGA." And im like....Diamond Bay? Where the fuck is Diamond Bay?

"Diamond Bay la bro....you know...Teluk Intan....Diamond Bay, English lah..."

.......

It's shit like that where they try so hard to copy others and be like a rip off of Jay Z throwing "diamonds" in the air with their bullshit hand signs that pisses me off, and then you get the very same jack offs or those like them sending fan page requests all over facebook thinking they have something to prove. Ten years down the road, i'll see you driving a taxi, thank you very much.

*** UPDATE*****

so my buddy calls me and tells me i made an error in judgement about the Diamond Bay thing; I'm leaving it just to show i'm a douche bag, and yes i am an asshole. BUT you know, i was WRONG, and i shouldn't have pidgeon holed the whole comment on just the Diamond Bay thing. It wasn't meant for just the boys back there. It was meant to make a point, which was to mean that i was tired of our young malaysian rappers who are up and coming or those established who talk about bitches money hoes and dissing each other and all tht jazz in their rap songs. The lyrics, it just doesn't break any more ground anymore. It's just silly boys and girls. Rap about real life, and what goes on in Malaysia. As gay as that may sound i think we might actually have something going on here that could mean something really good. Joe Flizzow thinks he's the next Jay Z. Flizzy copies JayZ so much he even speaks in a thick American Accent when he ain't even near to coming from New York. What's that about? And i need i say more about guys like Point Blanc and Caprice.Sigh. It's those kinda generics that i get pissed off. So to the Diamond Bay boys, im sorry fellas, i didn't mean to insult you lot or poke at you lot. I wanted to generalise but by doing so i made the mistake of pidgeon holing the comment like im hitting on you boys. So again im sorry. Hey assholes make mistakes too. So here's me the asshole apologising. ****

Tila Tequila Doing What She Does Best. No talent. No Nothing. Just Self Promotion on how to be a Hoe.

Hah! And all those girls....sigh....women make the ultimate sin of vanity. Well the typical ones anyways. I call it insecurity. When you need to send fan page requests to hundreds and hundreds of people telling them to be your fan because your some "hotshit up and coming model" that in itself sends all kinds of alarm bells ringing in my head. What kinda bullshit model does that? Who promotes herself? Thats just pathetic. Take a look at Hollywood for example. The only sad foolish hoes that do that over there are the trashy bitches like Tila Tequila or Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan or some bitch with massive tits. I can't see Jenny Lopez doing that, or Naomi Campbell or Beyonce doing that. Their big because they are, because their talented and because they get all the exposure from their work behind the scenes. The hoes like Kim Kardashian that promotes themselves through other means like fucking a famous person or exposing their tits everywhere are the ones that have absolutely nothing to prove.

The only reason why Kardashian is famous.

You might argue then that the facebook fan page is nothing like that and it's just for people to appreciate your talent. But what talent exactly? To look pretty? And that too at a mediocre level? if you really are some hot shit model, you'd be getting contracts, and i mean HIGH END CONTRACTS from all kinds of agencies and companies all year round. not some panasonic shit, or a one time placement in Cleo magazine. Please. Give me a god damn break will ya? It works the same way, self promotion with no basis and nothing to prove is a fucking waste of time. you wanna do that, do it on your own facebook page, Do not send me requests three hundred million times asking me to be your fan because why would i want to be a fan of a woman who has nothing to prove for herself except for looking pretty at sucha mediocre level.

Nope no time for that.

So you see these are some examples of the kind of bullshit you see on the facebook fan page application. If you have genuine talent, id buy that, but what YOU might perceive as talent from YOUR perspective, might actually been seen as utter bullshit by others. So if you really wanna be good at what you do, be harsh on yourself, go around expose yourself to all the critics and shit, and if your ready for that, you're ready to be good at what you do and then perhaps maybe just maybe some one might appreciate all the work you do and THEY will start a fan page for you and people will be your fans.

Not the other way round.

Douchebags.

And if you dont like what you just read? You can just kiss my brown ass.

Prince of Persia. What a Waste of Time. Shitty Summer For Movies I Reckon.

2010-06-08T05:31:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of movies out there where you know when it's shit, it's shit.

I've been paying attention to Prince of Persia for quite a while now, since its trailer debuted last year, and really, I was not impressed. Frankly speaking, the minute you get a white boy playing a Persian, the movie just fails for me on all levels. Yes i know the rhetoric behind the decision is, hey well they are famous and casting an unknown would be probably kill the film, and as Bruckheimer says, well you know, most Persians back then were blonde haired and blue eyed beauties. Now, you could try passing off Gyllenhall as a Persian, but you can't pass off a shitty movie for a good one. No way sir. I just can't fall for that one.

I never was familiar with the game. In fact, the only times I was ever exposed to any Prince of Persia games was when i was watching some 8 year old kid try to make the Persian jump up and down on some wall while he got his ass kicked in some video game store. Hmm looks pretty shitty i said.

Contrary to what i though, the game itself was ridiculously succesful and a lot of people loved it. So much in fact, that Hollywood thought, damn, we could actually cash in on this sucker.

Well sure you can, but really, this ain't no Pirates of The Carribean. There is no original film making here, nor is there any ground breaking acting by Jake Gyllenhall, ( Johnny Depp was an exception to the rule, where tent-pole summer movies could be successful on the basis of brilliant acting by Depp.) But to be frank the acting was absolutely terrible. I mean these are actors whom i had such high regard for. Gyllenhall was brilliant in his breakthrough performance in Donnie Darko, and i loved him in Brokeback Mountain, hell the guy got nominated for an Academy Award! Sir Ben Kingsley is always a joy to watch when he does it right, but lately there have been so many shit movies of him in it, you just wonder, okay old man, enough with the paychecks, just try doing something that means something to you for once.

And what in the anus of zeus is up with the god awful British Accents. Gyllenhall's accent was so bad i kinda got confused if he was doing an Australian or a British accent. Hell he could have been doing an Italian accent for all i cared, it just sounded wrong when they were wearing tunics and Persian costumes. I've never ever heard any Persian speak in such accents. Wait? Is it because the Americans are so daft that if they actually did speak like true Persians they would be sounding like ....*gasps*... terrorists?!?

Silly Hollywood.

But really Prince of Persia has not not been the only god awful movie this summer. With the exception of Shrek the Fourth, so far, I could say the heat of the summer movies are as hot as a dead salmon on ice. Frozen stiff below zero.

This weekend saw four new movies open in America, none of which came close to dislodging "Shrek Forever After" from the No. 1 slot. Universal had hoped its raunchy comedy "Get Him to the Greek" would be another "Hangover," but after seeing its humdrum opening weekend numbers, the studio is now hoping it might emulate "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," a far, far more modest comedy hit from 2008. "Killers," which was the most expensive release in Lionsgate's history, opened at No. 3 with $16.1 million, which by Lionsgate's own benchmarks makes it a potential money loser, especially after receiving a giant splatter of bad reviews. Killers by the way is so awful i'd rather smell shit than burn in the cinema with this loser. Have you seen the poster? Yeah well that itself explains a lot. Urgh.

Fox's family film "Marmaduke," which opened to a weak $11.3 million, actually got worse reviews than "Killers," earning an 11 Fresh rating from Rotten Tomatoes, and isn't expected to find any bigger audiences in the coming weeks. Warners' horror film, "Splice," only made $7.5 million, a number that will plunge further downward, since most horror films drop off considerably from their opening weekend performance. The movie though did get glowing reviews for it's originality. I guess there was something seriously wrong with the marketing of the film.

Despite the grim news so far this summer, I'm not predicting a box-office recession. It's way too early for that. But if the box office rebounds, it will be for the same reason that it is now slumping. It won't be the sequels that will save the summer, it will be the original movies. In fact, most of the films that have the best buzz right now are original movies, led by Christopher Nolan's "Inception," which is pretty much everybody's pick for the breakout movie of the summer, followed by the Tom Cruise-starring thriller "Knight & Day," the Adam Sandler comedy "Grown Ups" and the Steve Carell comedy "Dinner For Schmucks."

No one's saying that a sequel like "Toy Story 3" or remakes like "The Karate Kid" and "The A-Team" won't be big hits too. But the difference-makers -- the films that will help decide whether this is a miserable summer or just a modestly disappointing one -- are going to be the original movies. There are still a host of other factors impacting the business these days, not the least of which being the steep rise in ticket prices, especially for 3-D movies, which could be keeping marginal moviegoers away from all but the most obvious most-see releases.

(If I was a betting man, I'd be very worried about a 3-D film like "The Last Airbender," which judging from audience reaction to its trailers looks like exactly the kind of film most likely to be hurt by lack of moviegoer willingness to pay top dollar to see it in 3-D.)

But what really counts here isn't so much sticker shock as the shock of the new. Even in the summer, when we're accustomed to expect a never-ending deluge of reworked ideas and retro-fitted story lines, it turns out that it's the movie that delivers something startlingly new that reminds audiences why they started going to the movies in the first place.

Where the hell is the magic in movies nowadays anyways?? Bleh.

Fight For Other People's Rights, but Not Your Own.

2010-06-06T18:45:00.000-07:00

It's rather strange seeing Malaysians get all up in arms about the whole Israel Palestine thing. Well maybe i should rephrase that. It's rather strange seeing Malaysians being genuine human beings for once giving a shit about what goes on around the world. But here's me asking.... why?

Whatever the Israel government is doing right now to the Palestinians is wrong, there is no doubt about that for sure. They need all the help they could get. Aid for them is of paramount importance. It is outright degrading to leave a small army of people starving to death over a dispute about land issues. Or is it pride issues?

Pride. Thats a funny word.

The Malaysians have always taken a special pride with this specific war. I could see why. We're a Muslim country, and our Muslim brothers especially despise the "Jew Dogs" and what they do. Protests numbering in the thousands go on and about the streets of Kuala Lumpur with the people calling the UN to do something serious about this matter. The American embassy is hoarded and flags of Israel are burned, while chants and screams are echoed through out the air.

Alls fair in love and war until somebody gets put down like a dead dog on the wrong side, depending on who you support.

Malaysians are a strange bunch. It's funny how they would get up in arms over something going on in another country but whatever that happens on their own soil, a blind eye is suddenly a necessity. Freedom of speech and liberal freedom to fight for your rights are thrown on the floor and stepped on just like how they step on the Israel flag.

But like i said, this particular protest, it's justified. You see them rally up and shout for the rights of Palestinians to be freed. But really in what context are they shouting for? I wonder.

Hmm wait...does it have something to do with the Muslim faith? or the fact that its the Jews against the Muslims? Well i suppose it is what it is. All impassioned and out to make headlines all in the name of religion. yes their fighting for the human rights of those that suffer, but really its more in the name of religion than anything else. "Hidup Islam?"

I say go for it, do what you must, if it's for a right cause, you guys are doing good. The protests are justified.

But I just wished, more Malaysians could be more passionate about what happens in their own country. They could actually fight for their human rights and say hey, we're getting fucked over by the Government, we're not getting a good deal out of this, our newspapers are on a choke hold from reporting whats in favour for the government, people are being jailed for absolutely no reason, children are getting gunned down, and our politicians run amok doing whatever the hell they please while taking mr tax payers money and pocketing it for themselves. On top of that even questioning the government is a big no no in this country of ours. In fact right now, i could be filed under the Sedition Act. Hah!

Why can't Malaysians be more nationalist and care about what goes on with their own people and by people i mean their own countrymen first. You can protest all you want and show your pride for those on a different land, but try to shift that energy once in awhile to your own people please? Try fighting for our basic human rights as Malaysians and our freedom to live under one flag first. I feel we have a lot more pressing matters in our own country that go unsolved for decades and no one really does anything about it. They do try, but very very little.

But when it comes to an issue of religion which really divides us more than unites us, everyone is up in arms ready for war.

Sigh. the contradictions we live in.

The Most Ridiculous Things People Get For Their Pets.

2010-04-09T22:34:00.000-07:00

Some people know no boundaries when it comes to spoiling their pets. Pet-obsessed individuals have inspired a limitless list of animal friendly products meant to spoil the pet in a colorful variety of ways. Meanwhile, dogs and cats everywhere are totally unaware of the ridiculous lengths to which their owners will travel to keep them looking cute (or absurd). They are, after all, domesticated animals with little to no understanding of things like yoga, jewelry, and the concept of the internet. Here are some of the most ridiculous and unnecessary luxuries designed for pets.

15. Doga – Yoga For Your Dog

A lot of people who take yoga are a little crazy — the clothing, the classes, and the accessories have all become a lifestyle for self proclaimed ‘yogies’. Yoga has turned into an obsession for many healthy Americans, who sometimes spend hours or hundreds of dollars a week on yoga classes and related health regimens. A new type of class has been taking yoga to the next level of crazy with doga — couples yoga for a dog and its owner.

The dog mostly sits around while master lifts its arms in various directions to ’stretch’ the both of them out simultaneously. Those dogs don’t know what the hell is going on. Look at that picture. That is a confused animal. The poor dog has the face of rape victim about to get attacked.

The ‘dog massage’ seems most normal: Dogs like to be petted. But...can't you do that yourself without paying that much money for it?

Many doga teachers admit that the activity is more about bonding with the dog than exercising or posing it, but is a yoga classroom necessary to achieve a better relationship with one’s pet? What ever happened to the park?

14. Luxury Pet Spas

What does a person get out of a pet spa? The individual doesn’t even get to experience the joy of watching their pet wearing a humiliating outfit, or scarfing down the remnants of a puppy birthday cake. Luxury pet spas include services like individual hotel rooms equipped with TV and music, and can cost hundreds of dollars a night. Is that really necessary? My dogs chase after rats and kill pidgeons and they find that entertaining. AND its free!

13. Designer Dog Clothing

Dogs sometimes need clothing in colder weather; the coat they were born with may not be enough for ‘ruffer’ climates, and genetically engineered teacup puppies are ill-equipped for most things in life. An old child’s sweater or a cut up tee shirt might work wonders for your pet, but some people prefer their animal dress in style. Designer dog clothing has spawned dog pajamas, dog jackets made from fur ( apparently their own fur ain't enough? ) and leather, and even dog shoes. A pampered pup might love its Ed Hardy dog tee, but that’ll be a very muddy hundred pounds when the pooch is done with it.Ouch.

12. Pet Jewelry

Pet jewelry is a baffling invention. Cats, who are wise enough to figure out that anything dangling and shiny is a toy, are really the only domesticated animal that could make use of jewelry. In a world where thousands of Americans suffer as they try to feed themselves on inadequate salaries, there are people who buy hundred dollar dog necklaces and swarovski crystal pet hair clips. The dog does not need a Tiffany necklace, nor does it know what Tiffany is.

Solid gold ID tags, golf caps and leather hats, and scarves are also hot items.Why? I don't know. My dog has a string around it's neck with a tag on it. Total price? 5 bucks.

11. Wigs

If you’re not satisfied with the fur your pet came with, there’s a product designed to give your furry friend even more hair than it sheds on all of your furniture — pet wigs. A website called Kitty Wigs is dedicated to creating four styles of wigs for your cat — pink passion, beautiful blonde, electric blue, and silver fox. The cats pictured are tolerant of the luscious locks designed to accentuate their beautiful feline features, but look more like caricatures of celebrities than anything a sane person would want or need for their animal. The cost of a Kitty Wig is fifty dollars, though there are slightly cheaper alternatives around the web. Animal wigs have become so popular that the trend has spawned online communities made for sharing pictures of the modeling pets, as well as a book called ‘Glamourpuss’.

10. Home Cooked Pet Meals Delivered To Your Door

Keeping a dog healthy is important for ensuring that it live a long, happy life. Part of that process is maintaining a great diet for the animal; some brands of cheap, store-bought food are to dogs what McDonald’s is to humans: incredibly unhealthy. Like a person, an animal who consistently eats over processed, low-grade meals every day is going to be an one with a slew of health problems.

Making sure to pick out the healthy dry food in the dog food aisle is one thing, but providing the animal with a home cooked meal everyday is an entirely new level of dedication. Besides those who spend a little extra time providing fido with a gourmet dish, there are those who spend the extra money to have one delivered straight to their door. Changing an animal’s diet can have an astounding effect on the quality of its life, but opting for a home catering service to spoil the pet on a daily basis is just unnecessary.

I usually just toss bones off from my table.

9. Expensive Dog Houses

A dog house is ideal for those who are uncomfortable with the idea of sleeping with their dog. Some people can’t imagine a night without their pup next to them. Others need a feeling of reassurance that their pet is completely comfortable no matter where the animal chooses to spend its time — indoors, or out. This last type of person typically has the time to spend thinking of ways to spice up the pet’s life, and the money to make it happen.

The most expensive dog house ever created was designed by an architect and ran up a bill of $250,000 — more than the cost of many full-sized houses. The doghouse is equipped with temperature controlled beds, food and water dispensers, a webcam to allow around the clock dog monitoring, and a 52 inch plasma television. A television intended for dog-use only is pretty absurd, but so are the high-tech eye scanners which ensure that no strange dogs enter the house and order a ton of animal planet on On-Demand.

My dog sleeps on a cold cement pavement.

8. Pet Web Pages

Dogs do not know how to use the internet. The most interaction they have with a computer is barking at a barking dog on Youtube, or cocking their head in confusion when a familiar voice comes through the speakers on a Skype call. Facebook is a foreign and useless thing to a dog — the closest thing to adding friends is a romp at the dog park.

Why does it seem like most people who are truly dog obsessed are computer impaired? Some people have created geocities-type sites to showcase the life and times of their precious pooch. One website called Dogster features a section similar to Facebook — but strictly for dogs. Get this, a dog can add other dogs as friends, write on their walls, and post pictures of itself photoshopped into a festive Easter bunny outfit. How do dogs do this i can't even begin to fathom since they lack index fingers.

What this really means is that there exists a community of people role playing as their dog, whom, they have assumed, really wants a Facebook. It's either they love their dogs so much they want to be them, or their just very sad individuals who lack a social life.

I mean it is believeable actually after staying in the UK for awhile now. The way some of the brits advertise about Dogs is a joke. They role play as the dog and do voiceovers as the dog, asking people to buy em. Silly? Or Good advertising. I don't know.

Chewing on bones, playing in the park and going on long walks don’t really count unless you can document them online and receive praise from other like-minded lunatics with strange priorities in life. To hell with crazed paedophiles on the net, these guys are nuts!

7. Pet Jacuzzi

Jacuzzi purchasers are generally well-to-do; it’s an expensive, luxury amenity afforded only by those who have at least a couple extra grand to spare on extracurricular activities. That being said, many of these people might not see the problem with splurging a little extra on a dog-friendly jacuzzi. A company called MTI Whirlpools makes a ‘Jentle Pet Spa’, with jets designed to accommodate dogs with softer spray action. The spa is small enough to fit into a normal bathroom, making it too similar to a normal bathtub which can fit a bathing animal just as comfortably at a much lower price.

Last i checked...Dogs don't generally like to get wet. And even if they do they'd just lap around for awhile and leave the place a stinking mess. So who cleans the jacuzzi after? Sigh.

6. VIP (Very Important Pet) Service At A Paris Hotel

A hotel in Paris offers VIP services for $400 a night — but the P in VIP doesn’t stand for person. The Very Important Pet services include a gourmet meal delivered as room service, games, personal trainers, massage therapists, and custom made designer dog beds. Most of these services can only be utilized after paying additional fees, meaning that the “Heavenly Pet Package” will cost the better half of a grand for just a single night. Pfft. I could use that 400 bucks actually.

5. Diamond Dog Collars

Diamonds are a sign of luxury and elegance, but dogs don’t know that. Only humans do, since we’re the ones who invented the connotation surrounding them in the first place. It’s no secret that many rich people buy expensive embellishments for their pet to feel better about themselves; the animal is seen in public with accessories that may as well be tiny dollar signs around its neck. A diamond dog collar is one three million dollar dog treat that will surely go completely unnoticed by the little guy — unless he’s chewing the dangly necklace into pieces. Three million dollars could buy a whole lot of bones.

So if someone comes and kills the dog, lops of it's neck, and gets the jewellry, you'd be one dogless owner.

4. Unisex Pet Perfume

No one likes a smelly pet. Cats are typically self sufficient when it comes to grooming, but dog owners are advised to wash their pet on a regular basis to avoid the old ‘dirty dog’ smell. It’s a pretty simple concept, but those with some extra money to blow and an interest in all things stupid might opt for Sexy Beast, the unisex pet perfume. The scent is described as “A unisex blend of bergamot and vanilla-infused musk combined with natural patchouli, mandarin and nutmeg oils.” It’s apparently crafted specifically for the dog’s sensitive nose, which probably cares more about the scent of old cheese and dog bones than mandarin and nutmeg oils.

I just toss some talcum powder on mine.

3. A “Bark” Mitzvah

A Bar Mitzvah for dogs, the Bark Mitzvah is a new way for Jewish dog owners to integrate their furry little pal into their religious lifestyle. Unlike a boy becoming a man, a dog doesn’t become anything than what it already is — a dog. The sanest of participants (which isn’t saying much) might spend under a hundred dollars on a dog-themed cake and park ‘ceremony’, while others have dropped up to ten thousand dollars on a lavish Bark Mitzvah. The most expensive party took place at a catering hall equipped with food and a full bar that was ready to serve over a hundred people. For a dog.

2. Elaborate Pet Funerals

Crazy people have found a way to spend unnecessary amounts of cash on their pet even after it’s dead. A ‘pet funeral’ usually implies an old shoe box or duffel bag, the animal’s favorite toy and a ditch in the backyard. However, there are always those willing to take it to the next level — like fully lined pet coffins ranging from a couple hundred to a couple thousand dollars. A great way to prolong the grief and mourning that comes after the loss of a pet is to blow loads of money on an extravagant service instead of doing something useful with it, like donating to an animal charity.

My last dog ran away.

1. Doggie Ice Cream

Ice cream for dogs sounds pretty cute, but is still an unnecessary frill. The website encourages buyers to have a ‘paw-try’, a practice adopted by some puppy crazed people who might spend hundreds of dollars on themed festivities. The Frosty Paws website even has a section for pictures of said parties, featuring dogs in party hats sitting obediently nearby the box of dog ice cream that they gaze upon in longing.

My dog usually just licks off my ice cream, and i have it after.

Getting Through Life is About Getting Paid. Anything Can Happen. What In The World Am I Going To Do Tomorrow To Get With Life Then?

2010-04-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

"I need a dollar dollar, a dollar is what I need,
hey, hey,
Well I need a dollar dollar, a dollar is what I need
hey, hey,
And I said I need dollar dollar, a dollar is what I need
And if I share with you my story would you share your dollar with me"

Says it all doesn't it? Life is about dollars and dimes ladies and gentlemen. Everyday is a straight up hustle, and your success depends on what you have to offer, and if you have your A-Game hat on.

The American Dream. What is it?
It's the dream of any man making it in the land of the plenty. As long as you work hard enough, anything is possible. Anything can happen. Fortune favours the bold as they say. Are you fortunate enough to be bold enough? Do you have the balls to go the distance?

Getting paid is a common theme i think almost everyone could relate to, unless your a straight up bum or your born with a silver spoon up your ass. The average homegirl or homeboy down in the burbs could definately relate to the circumstances of loving success. Air doesn't taste any sweeter than with the smell of green moolah all the way from here to timbuktoo coming out of your pockets. Amazing feeling isn't it, to have a wallet full of cash, bills all paid, sexy ride with a full tank, beautiful big ass pad to go home to, and a woman, all ready to say im yours and your mine.

Success, it's a funny thing.

It entices you to do the desperate. It forces you to go the distance. It burns you inside when you see others have more of it. And it lures you like a seductive nymph with her legs open ready to swallow you whole. Success, is vanity in disguise.

Everyone wants it, everyone loves it, everyone would kill for it.

But the true beauty of success, is the road you take to achieve that beautiful golden shimmer in your heart.

Everybody has their own road, their own path, their own goals, but how you get to it, is the adventure of a lifetime.

It doesn't seem like it while your on the road itself. As some would call it, the path of "glory".

Glory? What glory? Working your ass off for months at some dead end job that pays you peanuts for the long hours you do? Getting disappointed by being turned away by every opportunity out there? So called friends hustling you out of every investment you make? Bigger competition coming out of every corner coming to take you down? Women digging outta you every single penny you got? Family laughing at your broke ass because your hustle didn't turn out exactly the way you planned? Your boss kicking your ass because no matter what you do, your work is shit to him?

Well...what kind of glory would that be indeed.

But that's the path everyone's gotta take; it's a path filled with shit and grime coming at you from every side, but the beauty of it is going through it all, and being able to come out smelling like a fresh set of roses ready for delivery. That's glory. That's dreams coming true. That's success. And looking back one day when you've made it, you just say to yourself, that that indeed were the best times you would never ever take back, because those moments educated you so much to be the success you are today. All that bullshit, all that crap, made you stronger to be a success story.

If shit comes at you, dont run away from it, just look for a better way for it to not happen again and move on. You learn from it, you work with it, and you head forward.

That's the dream.

Hard work pays, so does karma. A lil faith and hope in what you do never hurts either.

HBO makes great tv shows. I mean their classy, brilliant and captivating.

The latest dish on the market is this tv show executive produced by Mark Whalberg; yeap same dude you saw in all those movies and also the same guy who executive produced Entourage. The last i heard Entourage is a huge success? Well there's a new baby in the market now.

The show opens with this beautiful montage of pictures that breathes so much life giving you a sense of realness of how it is to be running around downtown New York in the thick of things. The focus to the smaller details and the overall nature of everything else around the city gives you a bigger sense of the life there. It sucks you in with that small little montage, with the background music supporting the lyrics this post introduced you with. "Dollar Dollar, Dollar is What I Need."

So much, all at once, in a short time frame.

My friend kept talking to me about the show and he'd randomly bring it up during our conversations and to be frank the title put me off. I mean to be honest, it sounded like one of those pirated Reality show that is flooding the mainstream American tv channels nowadays.

"How To Make It In America." Sounds very reality tv to me.

Add to the fact that you got Kid Cudi, new up and coming big shit rapper on the market who appears in the show several times, and i just got put off by it through and through. Commercialism once again.

I hate the fact that new shows or movies nowadays purposely incorporate rappers or singers into their merchandise just because their famous and not because of the talent. So my first reaction to the show, i blew it off. Sounded like shit. Smelled like shit. But the question was, did it taste like shit?

It tasted like an explosion of amazing delight.

It was the best thing i've ever watched recently ( aside from Mad Men of course ).

TV shows, its a hard sale most of the time because the characters run on and on and if they make a mistake you start to lose faith in the whole show. Entourage was one of my favorite shows ever. And with the same guys behind this show, it was amazing.

A story about two new york kids around their mid twenties, trying to start it big by opening their own clothing line. Again, this got me off guard. Clothing line?

I was thinking along the lines of real hustle like opening real business selling shit or music, or whatever else. But again, i wasn't thinking out of the box. I was being too generic.

Always expect the unexpected. What's wrong with two guys who didn't necessarily act gay heading out into the fashion world. It's a very realistic approach and hey money is to be made anywhere. Hence the tagline, everything can happen.

But the show doesn't have a very linear story. The guys first start out with their jeans, trying to market and push for starting a serious denim line. Things don't work out as planned and they branch out into something else and it works but the way the direction of the show takes us to that path is so intriguing it makes you root for them regardless if they fumble up all the time.

Obviously their not going to get success immediately. The show essentially is about how to make your money, but making it slowly. There is no get rich quick scheme in the real world. The real world is about real hustle. And im talking about legit hustle. None of that gangster bust a cap in your ass shit.

I relate the most to the latino kid cause of his loud mouth and sheer determination. He fucks up so much here and there, but it's always a point to get back on your feet again for him. I love that.
So take a gander at the show, have a peak, it's worth the time, if not I wouldn't be spending close to an hour blogging about it.

Here's to finding our dreams, and making it happen.

2010-04-05T23:20:00.000-07:00

Remember This Guy? Who needs all those guns and kung fu ( *ahem Chuck Norris?) when you got your brains to defend you from the bad guys... might i add he rocked a crazy ass mullet?

I remember watching this back when i was a kid in the early 90s growing up thinking, wow one day i wanna be just like MacGyver. The best part was the opening of the tv show with that bad ass 80s theme music. Made me just wanna go out and get a crazy ass mullet and start fixing things around me so i could pretend to be cool. I used to mess around with the wires around my house and time myself thinking that a bomb was going to explode in 60 seconds.

Unfortunately all that really resulted was with me sticking one of my fingers into a socket and getting electrocuted for an awesome 5 seconds.

Super Awesome MacGyver Theme..Hoo Yeah.

But then i grew up. And suddenly MacGyver just became this awesomely douche bag tv show which never made sense to me. I mean come on, realistically? You can't defuse a radioactive warhead with just a pen and some paper clips you know. And no you cant save a girl hanging from a 12 storey burning building with just a jump rope. And what kind of name is MacGyver anyways? What's Gyver? Gyver, what the hell does that mean? If i open the dictionary of names would "defusing bomb with only kitchen appliances" pop up next to MacGyver?

Somebody must have been smoking something when they thought of that name up cause I've never heard anyone with a name like that before. Dude musta got teased all the time growing up. How bout being in bed with your girl and your making sweet love, and then she screams... MACGYVER!!!...

Dude...don't you have a first name? John, Dick, Andy, Bob maybe? Richard MacGyver?...Why JUST MacGyver? Im so cool i don't have a first name? Is that how it works?

I'll give the guy a break. That was the 80s. We're in the millenium. We've come along way since the mullet days and bad music. Now...we have...

I spoke too soon didn't I..

Not only is his name so bad, his methods are ridiculous.

It started off as one of those one minute SNL skits on NBC and it poked so much fun at the whole MacGyver concept it kinda grew on everybody and became this epic butt joke.

Bum Sperm? When you have 3 seconds to defuse a Bomb you ask for Bum sperm?

You see that's why MacGruber is so awesome. He's such an epic failure that he's amazing to watch. The best videos tho would have to be when the show sells out and starts advertising Pepsi. They don't even try to hide it. They just go straight by putting pepsi into the god damn theme song.

MacGruber and Pepsi Part 1. Sure why not. Opening a pepsi can just before a bomb is about to blow up in 3 seconds? Epic fail.

Now you think a show like this is laughable. Why would anyone take it seriously? Right?

You my friends are so wrong on so many levels.

It's a god damn movie now. They made this into a god damn Movie. They have a movie coming out this summer called MACGRUBER.

MacGyver...you hear that? Even you with your genius attempts at fixing everything with shit around you couldn't even get a decent budget for a start off movie, and these guys beat you to it, and their called MACGRUBER. You are a failure MacGyver.

This is everything you could expect from an R Rated comedy. Dirty humour, utterly ridiculous moves and stupid ass action. The whole backstory of this outrageous character is finally revealed in the movie. Apparently MacGruber is a former seal, ranger & green beret and he was won so many military awards he'd put the whole US Army to shame. Yes he's that good.

And hey when you have Val Kilmer playing a bad ass villain called Deiter Von Cunth, why wouldn't you wanna go watch the movie right.

So here's to really bad 80s tv shows, for making the people today get inspired to make fun of you in a rather ridiculous fashion.

Quote of the Day.

2010-04-05T23:08:00.000-07:00

Tiger Woods at his Master’s news conference and coverage on HLN News. Caption "Tiger: Today I ‘Took it in’ and it felt really good.

Poor choice of words Tiger. Fail. Epic Fail.

Tips to be The Biggest Player in the Intergalactic Universe

2010-04-05T22:38:00.000-07:00

The Star Wars Trilogy ( not the atrocious prequels ) were always the best. Whenever you have some drunken debate about how cool some things were, lightsabers, Darth Vader and wookies for some reason always get thrown into the mix. Well that, and that amazing body Princess Leia had in Return of the Jedi, and of course once in awhile a moron would come up and say hey...what if Princess Leia had sex with Jabba the Hutt. What could have happened dude? That would be totally friggin...cool.

err..yeah...well maybe not.

Star Wars was always cool with all these amazing characters in the mix. Everyone had their own favorite character. Either it was Luke Skywanker, Darth Vader, Yoda, Chewie, Han Solo and whoever else that tickled your fancy.

I don't know. Those guys, they were too main stream, i mean what made them cool? Oh yeah Luke, he had the force, wow. Big jedi guy. Yoda? Tiny green elf monkey with a cool lightsaber and talked backwards all the time. Pfft, more like a horny lil gremlin if you asked me. Darth Vader? S&M gone wrong more like it. Han Solo? He could be cool..yes probably for a distant second yeah he could be my favorite character...but nah...nah nah nah, he doesn't quite cut it for me.

You see Han Solo, the man had swagger sure, he had style and he was cool. I mean he got princess Leia didn he? So he's the big swingin dick right? Wrong.

Every great leader, has a teacher. Han Solo learned his shit from someone. And that someone is the biggest swinging dick around. The baddest cock blocker you could ever lay your eyes upon.
That's right. Read em and weep playas, the best character in the entire trilogy is this guy right here....

The only Black guy in the entire Star Wars Universe. Lando Clarissian

Lando Calrissian is the smoothest cat in the entire Star Wars universe. Look at him cock blocking Han Solo with ease. Wit, charm, a cape: when it comes to the art of seduction, Lando has it all. But it didn’t happen overnight. For decades, Lando traveled across the galaxy perfecting his craft. Now, for the first time, Lando’s years of intergalactic pimping experience have been condensed down into a concise, easy-to-read graphic. Follow these eight simple rules and you’ll be banging Twi’leks two at a time in no time!

Thanks to Egotv for that one. But it's true, you try this, and you could be the biggest playa in the universe.

Well...Sometimes..

Maybe we should just stick to the Jabba the Hutt method?

On Duty.

2010-04-04T21:24:00.000-07:00

So I'm back. And That's all I have to say. I will be loyal to you my fellow readers.

I promise.

I think?

;)

So Here's to New Beginnings?

2009-10-12T04:35:00.000-07:00

I know...i know....after two friggin months and only now he thinks of posting something up?!?

What's the point of havin a blog right?

Well yeah I should most definately eat my own words but seriously people I have an explanation.

I am a douchebag.

That's it pure and simple as it could be, i said it

I

Am

A

Douche.

These last couple of months have been pretty eventful, with lots of emotions being tossed around like a tosser tossing salad, but that's besides the point. No reason for me not to update my blog.

So here's the update. I'm finally back in the UK and it feels nice to be "home" with the familiar faces around town and what nots. I missed the boys and the scenes ( though there really isn't much of a scene going down here ) and everything else in between. It does feel comforting to see all the old faces up and around again. In a way it sorta feels like i almost never really left.

Being in Malaysia for a whole year was something else. I had several impactful meetings and found some gems which i don't think i could have ever found if i had just up and left for the UK after 2008 Summer break. In a way i'm glad i stayed. Well, technically i had to, but the benefits that came off it...worth it.

So here i am back again going for classes and doing the negatives with the boys, and trust me, it is a refreshing change of scene. It's a lot to cope since i'm in my third year. I've already got this massive thesis to do for my psychology and crime paper which is due in a month. I've got seminars all over me. I've got 9 am lectures all over the place and to top it off i got work shifts on the weekends which are absolutely ballcrushing...and now you'd probably have a slight idea of how my third year would be looking like...and this is just the beginning. Shit's gonna start proper stirring after the first month. Late nights reading, preparing and stressing. Oh joy.

Right now i'm in the library in between classes, and to be quite frank i'm supposed to be at class. Technically.

I ran all the way to the lecture hall for my first lecture which was in some welsh sounding building i could not possibly pronounce since the welsh language sounds like someone coughing out a big piece of phlegm, and when i finally got there to that very hall, i looked to my watch and i still had ten minutes to spare. Great. Brilliant. I'm early! And the minute i looked up that thought quickly died down like a hard on which just went limp. I see a sign on the door saying "Lecture Cancelled Due to Unforeseen Circumstances"

Absolutelyfuckingbrilliant

There are times where i wonder why do i even bother, but blame it on the tardyness really for not checking my emails last night. I saw the email just now saying that there was no lecture...so yeah i can't blame anyone really. Oh well... i'm a tosser and tossers get tossed.

This post isn't really all that long but i've got another class coming up in 15 minutes so i really gotta run. So till the next post which would be sometime today, i'll catch you boys and girls later.

As the british say... tarra!

Whtever the hell that means...

What Her Drink Really Says About Her

2009-08-16T23:43:00.000-07:00

You can tell a lot about a girl by what she's drinking, but sometimes that beverage that she's sipping, chugging, or slurping down may not be sending the message that she thinks it's sending. Here's What Her Drink Really Says About Her:

Cheap Beer

What She Thinks It Says: I'm a tough woman. I'm not high-maintenance, and I like to party. Just gimme a sixer of Anchor Strong or Skol Beer and a filthy back patio, and I'm good to go.

What It Really Says: My college boyfriend was in a shitty band, so I got used to cheap, crappy parties. For ten ringgit, you can probably get me drunk enough to go home with you, but I'm definitely gonna throw up on something of yours.

Pick-Up Line You Should Use: "Hey. My bed has a matress on it. Pretty fancy, huh? Let's go f*ck."

Expensive Beer

What She Thinks It Says: I've been drinking for a while. I'm sophisticated enough to be selective, but I'm still down-to-earth enough to be content with beer. Plus, expensive beer tastes better than crappy mixed drinks.

What It Really Says: I like fancy glasses.

Pick-Up Line You Should Use: "Somebody in my family is remotely German. Wanna look at some heirlooms and f*ck?"

Wine

What She Thinks It Says: I'm way more classy and sophisticated than the other girls in this trashy bar.

What It Really Says: After my third glass, I'll be grinding my ass against someone on the dance floor.

Pick-Up Line You Should Use: "Yeah, my dad does own a car dealership. Hey, you wanna go f*ck in my new sportscar ( actually is a local proton car )?"

Tequila

What She Thinks It Says: I'm here to party. I'm hanging with my sorority sisters tonight, and we own the night! We're gonna get super-wasted super-quick, and just dance the night away. Woo hoo!

What It Really Says: Tonight, I'm getting Mexican style drunk.

Pick-Up Line You Should Use: "I've got an extensive Lil' Wayne collection back at my apartment. C'mon, I'll carry you back there and then we can f*ck."

Whiskey

What She Thinks It Says: I can drink like a man. Hell, I might even smoke a cigar later tonight.

What It Really Says: After a few of these, I'm gonna pounce on the first man that talks to me.

Pick-Up Line You Should Use: "There's a Guns N Roses tape in my truck. You wanna f*ck in the back seat?"

Cosmopolitan

What She Thinks It Says: I'm a classy girl. I like my drinks like I like my men: strong, but also tasty and sweet.

What It Really Says: I love, love, LOVE Sex and the City. Oh my god, I am totally the Carrie of my group.

Pick-Up Line You Should Use: "I thought the SatC movie was raw, sentimental, and outrageously materialistic...which is everything that a true fan could hope for. So you wanna go f*ck or somethin'?"

Fruity Mixed Drink

What She Thinks It Says: I've been drinking long enough to know that beer makes you fat, and all of my friends order this, so it must be a good choice.

What It Really Says: I don't like the taste of alcohol, but I love cranberry juice. Plus, it'll help out with this horrible STD that I got last week. Fruits help!

Pick-Up Line You Should Use: "Oh, wow. That's an interesting story. Your sorority sounds like it was crazy. You wanna go watch the Notebook and f*ck?"

Shots

What She Thinks It Says: It's my birthday today!

What It Really Says: It's my birthday today!

Pick-Up Line You Should Use: "Happy Birthday! Let's f*ck!"

Best Statue Porn Pictures. By Dumbasses Alike

2009-08-16T23:40:00.000-07:00

Ever seen a Statue and have that urge to just strike a funny pose to make a cool picture? Yeah i have had some of those moments.

Ever seen a Statue and have that urge to strike a perverted pose to make a sexually funny picture? No i haven't had any of those moments.

But i guess a lot of people do have that urge and some of these people are mentally challenged. Don't believe me? Take a gander at these pictures below, and you'll see what i mean.

How To Get A Bartender's Attention in a Bar

2009-08-16T23:26:00.000-07:00

When you're a bartender, every night feels like the initial, frantic phases of an awkward orgy:

It's really loud and messy, and you've got a lot to do, but you have to deal with disgusting, sweaty, drunk a-holes all night. A good bar patron can be a breath of fresh air to a hard-working bartender, but if you're going to get noticed in that sea of sweaty drunk faces that the bartender's looking into all night, you'll have to know the proper procedure:

Step 1: Have Some Boobs

Whether you're a guy who likes them or a girl who has them, boobs are great for many reasons. One of the things that they're really good for is getting attention, and the great thing is that they don't even have to be your boobs. As long as you're near a set of boobs, you're greatly increasing your chances of getting some drinks before the DJ starts hitting on your date again. It doesn't matter what kind of boobs they are, either, but keep in mind that your wait time at the bar is directly proportional to the size of the boobs you're standing near. Dolly Parton probably doesn't even know that people wait at bars, and guess what: neither does her husband. Always stand next to the biggest boobs that you can find. That's just good advice for life in general, but it will definitely help you get your drinks faster.

Step 2: Make Eye Contact, But Don't Be Creepy About It

Your goal here is fairly simple: you want the bartender to acknowledge that you're there, and that you're waiting to place an order, but you don't want to hold the gaze so long that his butthole starts to worry about you waiting for him later in the parking lot. Just establish quick eye contact, and then look away. Some people like to throw in a bit of a head nod, and that's probably okay if you can pull it off without looking like a freshie from India, which would probably make you look stupid. You definitely shouldn't smile unnaturally at the bartender, and don't even think of mouthing any words to him, unless you want him to think that you're either hitting on him, or that you're a deaf-mute, and nobody wants to be mistaken for a deaf-mute.

Step 3: Hold Some Cash In Your Hand

You don't need to hold a lot of cash. We're not talking about a huge roll of 20's or something. While that would certainly get the bartender's attention, it would also get the attention of everyone else in the bar, including all the burglars and pickpockets who are masquerading as normal bar-goers. Just have enough cash in your hand to let him know that you're looking to buy something, and not just putting away some change. Some people like to fold the bills over, so that it looks like there's more money, but when money is used to beckon a bartender's attention, it's more about visibility than the exact dollar amount. Don't hold it out like you're desperately beckoning a stripper with it, either. Just have it noticeably in your hand, so he can tell that you're waiting to order. Unless you're a woman; just flash him some boobies as said earlier.

Step 4: Speak Loudly and Clearly

When the bartender finally comes over to help you, get your order out quickly and loudly. Don't waste his time with elaborate greetings or hows-it-goin's unless he asks you first. Just know exactly what you want, and tell that to the bartender in the simplest way possible. If the bar that you're in happens to be loud, you'll probably have to lean in and yell into his ear like you're at a rock concert or your grandparents' house. When he looks at you confusedly, yell it again, but this time do it louder. Always remember: yelling a second time doesn't accomplish anything unless you do it louder than you did the first time. Louder the better. Note : This does not apply to women. Just flash 'em some boobies, as i said above.

Step 5: Tip

Tipping at a bar is not exactly the same as tipping in a restaurant, in that there's less math involved. Try to keep it simple, and made of paper. Avoid tipping in coins, unless they're really awesome old collectible coins or you're in Europe, where they have coins in larger denominations. The amount of the tip depends on what you ordered, but it's generally a matter of how many glasses are involved. Believe it or not, the bartender will probably remember you, and if you order a round of beers for you and your 8 obnoxious friends, you should probably tip a little bit more than you did for the one frozen strawberry daquiri that you secretly chugged before any of your friends showed up. If you're going to be cheap this step does not apply to you. And don't expect special treatment either. Unless you're a woman, just flash him some boobies, as said earlier.

Step 6: Don't Be a Bitch About It

A bartender is not your child. He didn't just put the cat in the washing machine, or force his sister to drink bleach, or some other thing that kids do all the time. You don't have the right to yell at him, criticize him, or verbally abuse him in any way. That's not only a matter of public decency, either; there's some potential benefits for good behavior. For example, it might slightly lessen the chances that you'll accidentally drink semen tonight. I'm not suggesting that bartenders jerk off into people's drinks. I'm just saying that you should never make the mistake of doubting that a bartender could jerk off into your drink, if you ever gave him a reason to do so. It's a precautionary measure, but anything that leads away from you unwittingly drinking semen is worth the effort. Just stay calm and be patient, and you'll get your drinks as soon as everyone with boobs has been served. That's for the women.

Id Love To Hate Some Public Toilets

2009-08-16T23:00:00.000-07:00

You're in a shopping mall with your mates.

You're chilling and talking shit as you always do.

It's a good day to just kick back and relax.

Then suddenly your stomach has an explosion of epic proportions. You feel it rumble, and your whole world suddenly crumbles, and then it hits you like a smack down from hell.

YOU.NEED.TO.TAKE.A.SHIT!

Your head starts spinning you start sweating, and there's this fire storm coming from the back of your ass. YOU NEED TO TAKE A SHIT!

You try to maintain your cool, you excuse yourself as politely as you can, and the minute your friends are out of sight, you run like you've never ran before to the nearest public restroom you could find, begging to have the most almighty shit you could ever imagine.

You finally see the sign. It's right there in front of you just six more feet and you're there!

You get in through, and you bang the door down like the FBI hunting on drug dealers in Cuba, and just before that, the few moments leading to that, you have this amazing wondrous feeling that you're gonna just let it all out. The Atom Bomb is about to explode from beneath your backside... and it is going to be glorious.

Birds will sing, and the heavens shall shower gold upon you as you sit in your cubicle, letting it unload.

And then...DESPAIR!

As you bang the door down, your smile fades away immediately.

The toilet seat has foot prints on it, there is no tissue paper left, and that little fountain thing to wash your backside, is destroyed. To add insult to your already injured soul, you see a big monstrous doo doo floating like an unsinkable submarine ready for battle with your poor ego.

You cry.

You quickly rush out of the cubicle helpless, and you bang down the other doors to the other cubicles.

MORE FOOTPRINTS ON THE TOILET SEAT!

How the fuck are you going to manage to end the madness that is being unleashed from your backside?!

You cry some more.

With all your strength you rush out, and you run to the next nearest restroom you could find...and at the next restroom, rest is not what you find.

The horror of horrors. This one is even worse than the last. Shit stains on the floor. Beautiful way to end a painful moment.

And as you wait and moan and squirm, you shit yourself in your pants.

And your day is fucked.

I hate public toilets. Did i mention?

I mean do you actually have to squat on a toilet seat to take a shit?

No seriously? Do You?

Are you retarded? This isn't a rural village where you have to dig a hole in the ground to defecate. You just sit your ass down and let it loose. But nooooo, you just have to put your god damn legs on that toilet seat, squat down, and let it loose, and while your at it, squirt whatever feces you have all over the sides of the seat right? Oh well that's just perfect. Human evolution has come so far for us to be doing so.

A toilet seat is there for you to sit your ass down you morons. Who the fuck said you could put your god damn feet on it?

You want one of those, go to the squatting hole, hell do it like India, and shit by the sidewalk, or near the drain for all i care, other sane people need to use these toilets, yet you cocksuckers just have to squat some ass down there and destroy the toilet seat, and the other poor souls have to suffer your disgusting leftovers.

Pathetic.

You can't blame management for this. You seriously can't. The poor toilet cleaners would have to do deal with this kind of crap every single day, cleaning it would make them loose their minds. How can you maintain Animals taking a dump? You can't. You just whip 'em into shape and potty train them to go shit somewhere else.

With people? It's a lot harder, their just dumb when the mentality counts.

And i thought the men's toilet was bad. Some girls tell me it's even worse over at the ladies since your gonna have to pee sitting down. And some of these uneducated bitches would of course put their fuckin feet on the toilet seat, squat down and take a piss.

Smart.

Real ladylike women we have here.

Classless monkeys more like it.

Next time, take a shit at home before you venture out, you will find no safe haven at the public restrooms out there in the world. It will destroy your mind body and soul.

You might get lucky you might not. Don't take the chance.

God awful is what it is, and a laughing shame to finish the day.

15 Tattoos That Will Prevent You From Getting Laid

2009-07-26T23:19:00.000-07:00

Not every tattoo is cool - some are flat out awful and more importantly, they can prevent you from getting laid. So we decided to compile this list of 15 Tattoos That Will Prevent You From Getting Laid.

15. The "Honesty Is Not Always The Best Policy" Tattoo
While we appreciate the fact that there's a guy out there that is so comfortable with his miniature junk that he's willing to advertise it with a tattoo, we're pretty sure most women won't appreciate it enough to want to sleep with him. Sometimes telling the truth never is the best option.

14. The Skeleton Back Tattoo
The only way you're getting laid with this tattoo is if you can get a date with Rose McGowan. Why her? Because anybody that would have sex with Marilyn Manson will probably have sex with a dude with this tattoo.

13. The Armpit Vagina Tattoo
The only less appealing to women than a guy with a tattoo featuring a part of the female anatomy on his arm has to be a guy who uses his plentiful armpit hair to represent that part of the female anatomy. Are you trying to indicate to all women out there that having a healthy bush on her vagina is cool? You're a god damn SADIST!

12. The Naked Hot Dog Woman Tattoo
Speaking of the female anatomy, is it any girl's dream to hook up with a guy who thinks of women as hot dogs? I know there's a "plumps when you cook 'em" joke in here somewhere, but I'll leave it to you to figure that one out.

11. The "No Fat Chicks" Tattoo
The irony of this tattoo is that its existence prevents this guy from hooking up with the only women that would actually consider hooking up with him. Douchebag.

10. The Missing Piggy Tattoo
This guy gets lots of points for creativity, but those points still aren't going to overcome the fact that he's missing a toe. This tattoo is a recipe for "friend zone." No pussy for you fella.

9. The Weird Al Yankovic Tattoo
Weird Al? Seriously? I have no idea where the owner of this tattoo lives, but I guarantee it's not in Vaginatown. Douchebag.

8. The Family Tattoo
I'm not sure what is going on with this tattoo. I will assume that this is a tattoo of some guy's wife and kids which would suggest that he's gotten laid at least twice. However, it also suggests that he will never get laid again - at least not by anybody other than that woman. And should that really count?

7. The Confusing Star Wars Tattoo
I'm not exactly sure what is going on in this tattoo, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't add up to a lot of sex.

6. The Town Map Tattoo
This is a woman who lives in Hannover and decided to get a tattoo of the map of her hometown as it was in 1896 inked across her back. The reason it will prevent her from getting laid? Because clearly she is insane.

5. The Janet Jackson Virgin Mary Tattoo
Any dude that has a giant tattoo of Janet Jackson on himself would be eligible for this list, but when that tattoo features Ms. Jackson dressed like the Virgin Mary? Well, that's how you crack the Top 5 of this list. Jermaine Dupri is a dumb ass midget.

4. The Unicorn Banging The Dolphin
What is it that makes people decide to take two innocent and beloved creatures like a unicorn and a dolphin and have them banging each other on your flesh? Not getting laid, that's what.

3. The Patrick Swayze Centaur Tattoo
This is a tattoo of Patrick Swayze from the classic SNL Chippendales sketch as a centaur standing in front of a rainbow. Its ability to help you get laid speaks for itself.

2. The Simpsons' Comic Book Guy Ass Tattoo
We LOVE this tattoo because we love the geeky Simpsons' Comic Book Guy character. However, most women do not - and we doubt this guy's ass is going to win them over.

1. The White Power Rainbow Unicorn Nazi Tattoo
We challenge you to find a tattoo that will turn off more women faster than this one. It manages to be offensive to gays, unicorns, and Nazis all at the same time.

2009-07-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

It's that time, again. New CD releases hit the stores yesterday. I've travelled the globe via the interwebs to bring you the best of the best from the Japaneeezeeeeee

From soundtracks to JPop, nobody can mangle the English language like those sushi lovers. I hate sushi by the way.

I won't even bother to try to translate these. The Japanese have an uncanny ability to take the English language or shall i say ENGGRRRISSSHHH WRANGUAGE and transform it into a superior language to what any of us know. You'll only drive yourselves CWAAAYZZEEEEE attempting to correct the grammar so don't even try.

Instead, just relax, and behold the 12 Funniest Japanese Album Covers I've Ever Laid My Eyes On.

12. The Pillows - Once Upon a Time In the Pillows

Once upon a time, the pillows were soft. A group of tiny japanaeeseee men lived in those pillows. They got so bored with this story, they fell asleep. The End.

11. Gackt - Koakuma Heaven

When you're a Japanese girl, sparkles emanate around you, wherever you walk. You eat some sushi ichiban, you get sparkles coming out of your mouth; you drive your suzuki toyota, you got sparkles comin out of your engine; you use funny perfume with funny smell made in japan, you got sparkles comin' outta your armpits; you take a shit in strange japanese toilet with robot voice which tells you the contents of your shit while you take a shit ( true story that actually happens in Japan ) you got sparkles comin' out of your ass.

Now cram a bunch of Japanese girls together, and their sparkles will mingle and mate, making smaller sparkles. Then, you'll have Gackt. Sounds like the noise this chick made when she tried to deep throat me, but epicly failed thus resulting with her making sounds which resembled this band's name... GACKT!

10. Citrus Nei + Hige Driver - 100% Romantic

AKA: 100% Romantic if You're a Dude Whose Only Exposed to Women who are from Anime and the Princess in Donkey Kong. Absolutely Lametastic...

9. Hiro Takashiba - Simply Cool

I could try to explain just how cool Hiro is, bit it would take too many words to explain how cool he is, and that would not be simply cool. So pay attention to the cover and his style, cause this guy is just ...well u get the idea..

WOWWWWWZERS SIMPLY COOOOOLLLLLL ICHIBAN KONEECHEEEWAAAA SAYONARA SUZUKI KAWASAKI KUROSAWA HIRO TAKASHIBAAA

8. Roco - Hamming Clover

Sometimes, it's as if they just grab an English dictionary, and point at random words on random pages. Their next album will be called Impending Vagina.

7. Isao Tomita - Captain Ultra: Music File

Captain Ultra was a Japanese TV show about a intergalactic hero. The cover of this soundtrack alone makes all of the american space travel TV shows look like rank amateurs. Thousands of Star Trek fans just clutched their chests, in horror.

6. Junko Yagami - I Wanna Make A Hit Wit-Choo

Junko is apparently about as common a name in Japan as Jennifer is over in any other place in the world. Junko cannot spell well so instead of spelling the word YOU out, she decided to make the word YOU into CHOO cause it sounds CUTE, but what she fails to realise is that her album now sounds like it's havin a bad cold while in mid sentence. I wanna make a hit with..AH CHOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bless you.

5. Various Artists - Happy Hardcore Speed

We prefer happy hardcore speed, too, as opposed to the Depressing Softcore Speed we are so accustomed to. Put a young underaged looking cartoon anime girl with the words HAPPY HARDCORE SPEED just next to her hips...and you get your first paedophile album ready for sale.

4. So Kaburagi - Stray Cat Rock: Sex Hunter

Stray Cat is a series of Japanese B-movies, all with great titles. Delinquent Girl Boss, Wild Jumbo, and Machine Animal. This is the official soundtrack of awesome. Stray Cat Rock Sex Hunter. Now that warrants me to instantly purchase that single based on the awesome title. YESSSSSSSSS.

3. Kra - Love Lab

If you've ever wondered what it would look like if the crazy girl you dated was obsessed with flow charts, this is the album for you. If ever an album was too funny, it might be this one. We can't look away. Must. look. away. FAILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

2. The Sect - In Case of SUCK

In case of suck, no refund on the Sect album. SUCK for you!

1. Coma-Chi - Love Me Please!

You love me now, please. KTHXBAI! Anyone with the name Coma Chi should be put into a coma.

Your Momma Likes Her Nipples Pulled

2009-07-26T22:22:00.000-07:00

Theres something so calming about a baby orangutan pulling at his mommy's nipples; Sorta like that moment where my fat ass friend got so drunk and was dazed out of his head with an expression which could rival that of the mommy orangutan. Only difference is, the person pulling at my mate's nipples was a tranny. Epic moment for him.

The Evolution of Sluts

2009-07-26T22:06:00.001-07:00

Okay so i haven't update my blog for awhile and it has in fact been a long time coming, so here i am again and after all the wait, and all of the random messages ill get my lazy arse to update my blog, i finally shall. And what better way to break the ice than to do it with some heavy utilization of some Sluts.

Everyone knows that all girls are not sluts. In fact, sometimes the best girls are not explicitly slutty in any way. But even if you happen to be dating one of these not-slutty-but-still-awesome girls, chances are you still like watching videos of dirty sluts from time to time, and dont you deny that, because you're such a dirty fucking liar. Even if you were the pope, or the dalai lama, you'd probably have a stash of porno waiting to be watched. With that in mind, let's take a journey through history to discover where those sluts actually came from:

The Prehistoric Slut

Being a slut in prehistoric times was a lot like having a potluck barbecue by yourself: the more you expose, the more you got to eat. A prehistoric slut basically had three things to worry about: food, safety, and shelter. If she could find a strapping caveman that could provide all of these things, then she could easily win him over with her sexual prowess, and be completely taken care of. The prehistoric slut had a lot of competition, though, because there were many other women who also had a strong desire to survive.

This means that prehistory was most likely had a dirty, filthy, butthole-penetrating time, but ultimately it was worth it for her, because the payoff was that she got to survive another day. The world of sluttiness basically stayed the same for a long, long time, until one day when a less-than-awesome dude picked up a paintbrush and started painting naked chicks, signifying the dawn of...

The Classical Slut

When artists started painting, sculpting, and selling artwork, sluts quickly recognized art as an outlet for their sexuality. Suddenly, people everywhere could look at (and discreetly masturbate to) their slutiness, and classical sluts just ate that shit up. This was also the first time in history that a slut could gain monetarily just from being slutty (being naked in front of someone was considered slutty back then), and sluts took full advantage of the opportunity, like a good slut should.

Plus, how great was it when a slut could take a dude to a church or something, and be like, "hey, see that naked statue right there? Those are my tits!" Things during this period seemed to be going swimmingly for the classical slut. Suddenly, she was seen as a valuable artistic commodity, rather than...well, a slut. Things would continue to improve for sluts, especially in the 19th century, when a new invention began to gain popularity...

The Golden Age Slut

The advent of the camera revolutionized sluttiness as we know it, and a whole new breed of slut emerged: the impatient slut. At long last, the camera provided an opportunity for sluts who were too impatient to be painted or sculpted to be captured, immortalized, and distributed on film. This technology opened the door for sluts everywhere, and suddenly every slut with a pair of tits was standing sluttily in line, waiting to be photographed.

This greatly affected the quality of slut for the masses, but quantity also increased ten-fold, helping to revolutionize masturbation as we know it. Now, rather than hiding in public to masturbate to a work of art, a gentleman could jerk off in the privacy in his own home. This, of course, greatly increased the demand for more sluts, and with the invention of the motion picture, and later home video, anyone could produce pornography.

The industry exploded, and soon, the better sluts began making money hand over hand (both of which were probably wrapped around a penis at the time). Now, being a slut could actually be a lucrative career move, and the best sluts in the business finally got the recognition they deserved, but everything was about to change again...

The Modern Slut

The creation and subsequent popularity of the internet has ushered in a slut hey-day. Today, sluts from all over the world can, with a few simple clicks of a mouse, upload pictures and videos of themselves to a global audience, reaping the exposure and benefits previously reserved for only the most sought-after and publicized sluts in the world. Slutty stars are born nearly every day, and a slut who's willing to push the boundaries of decency can become a worldwide phenomenon literally overnight.

Along with exposure and fame, a good, hard-working slut can easily accumulate a small fortune if she plays her cards right, and our modern technological renaissance is a launching pad for incredibly successful career sluts all over the world. The modern era of slutiness encapsulates the absolute peak of slut potential, reaping higher quantity and higher quality slutiness than ever before. But like many peaks, there could be a devastating valley on the other side...

The Future Slut

Since the beginning of time, the biggest problem with sluts has rested in the cramped hands of the less-than-the-best guy. This was the caveman who couldn't catch the most food, and who didn't have the nicest cave. This was the unknown artist who was jealous of Michelangelo and Da Vinci, and who had to awkwardly paint nude portraits of his mom or his sister that nobody wanted to look at. Currently, this is anyone who's not dating one of the many pornstars that they masturbate to three times a day. This also happens to be the guy who's a computer programmer, and the guy who's working on advanced robotics and hologram technology in his mother's basement after his shift ends at Jamba Juice. Soon, this guy will rule the world.

Technology is quickly moving toward the elimination of an actual, physical slut, and replacing it with hologram sluts and robot sluts, who are going to be way nastier, way better, and (most importantly) way more attainable than any living slut in history. In the future, the nerdy, unattractive guy who could never score a hot, slutty chick will decide to simply make his own hot slut, and the nerd will finally reign supreme. I, for one, welcome our nerdy pervert overlords, and would really appreciate it if they could direct me to the robo-slut waiting list, because if this is where they're at now, I can't wait to see what they'll have in 20 more years.

Joe Pesci : Fuckin Legend. Now where the fuck Is He?

2009-06-13T04:37:00.000-07:00

Who the fuck is Joe Pesci?

You're asking me?

If you asked him that to his face, he'd probably kick your ass and fuck you up, cause Joe Pesci is the biggest bad ass around.

Take a good look at that picture. Take a good fuckin look. No don't read this sentence, go back and look at that picture. Focus your eyes on him DAMNIT!! On that guy up there. Just look at him. Stare into that icy cold stare for 10 seconds. Are you done yet? I said 10 seconds! That wasn't ten seconds that was 2 Seconds... STARE INTO HIS EYESS!!!!

Okay you done? Great.

That my friends is an individual who has bad ass written all over him. He stands at the height of a whopping 5 foot 4 inches. The guy is as tall as a fuckin leprechaun and yet he has embraced the cinema world with some of the best gangster roles the world has ever seen.

Aside from the Godfather or Al Pacino's Scarface?...This guy rules the cocks. He has balls of steel and he would fuck you up, even if he does come in a tiny package.

You see Joe Pesci was a regular average joe ( pun intended ) with nothing when he was starting out. Then the great Martin Scorsese found him and his star status just sky rocketed. If you don't know the guy, you don't know real acting. His charisma when he acts is explosive. Sometimes you just wonder if some of the things he says on screen is part of the fuckin script or if he's just that bad ass in real life. I mean you see today's Hollywood movies, and you just know these damn actors are reading off a script. Like it's all scripted cause it's all part of the whole act. But the thing about Mr. Pesci here, is that when he sings his dialogues, he does it with such fuckin comfort, it's like you start to question if this guy really is reading from a script or if he's making it up as he goes along. The amount of "fucks" or "motherfuckers" or "cocksuckers" he says in a line is just insane. I mean it's not all about the cussing but it's about how natural you make the character look like.

For example, have you watched Face/Off? Or Broken Arrow? Or maybe the recent new movie called The Taking of Pelham 1/2/3. What's the similarity between these 3 movies? It all stars John Travolta. That's right geniuses. And the other similarity? In some point of all these films, John Travolta is supposed to be this explosive bad guy motherfucker who can't stop cussing and he just goes mental. Now you see, John Travolta can ACT as a bad guy, but do YOU believe it??? I mean if you saw John Travolta fuckin comin at you with a loaded gun about to blow the brains out of your head and shout MOTHERFUCKER IM GONNA FUCKIN TEAR YOU TO PIECES.... Would you be scared? I mean this is the guy who did Grease. This is the guy who danced around like a pancy to Saturday Night Fever. Would you be scared of John fuckin' Travolta? Exactly. I rest my fucking case. I wouldn't be scared of him if he took a loaded gun and shoved it into my mouth, because i just can't picture that face fucking me up. No matter how much he acts it, he ain't walking the bad ass part like he should.

Joe fucking Pesci DOES.

Joe Pesci in the film Casino. With him is Sharon Stone. And he bangs her in the movie.How bad ass is that. He bangs Sharon Stone!

The guy is a fuckin' midget for cryin out loud. If you saw him for the first time you'd think your baby kid sister could knock him out. That's the fuckin point. He's underestimated from day one. He's a fuckin surprise. You'd never see a short fuck look like he could kill you. But when he pulls of his actions, when he walks his swagger, when he opens his mouth, and when he pulls that gun at your face and cocks it, and shoots at the screen, you shit, you piss, and you cry, cause Joe Pesci is a fucking monster.

Below is a Clip from the movie Goodfellas, Where Joe Pesci goes mental on the bartender who was just a kid. After this shit, you just question if this guy really is sane..

To the commercial world, maybe he isn't that well known. Not in today's cinema anyways. To today's younger generation, they probably won't even know him. How do i know of this?

I mean come on, ask yourself, do you know Joe Pesci? Hell no, of course you don't.

If you do, great! If you don't you've come to the right place. I'm here to educate you lot on that shit.

I talked to a lot of kids nowadays, and I ask them about Joe Pesci, and not one of 'em seems to know who the fuck i'm talkin about. That's a crying shame.

If you know your classic gangster films, you know Goodfellas, you know Casino, and aside from that he's been in other mainstream films such as Raging Bull or the Lethal Weapon series.

But to all you other commercial film lovers, you probably know him best as one the bad guys from Home Alone. Remember that?

Well i can't blame you for that. If you saw Home Alone, you'd recognise Pesci immediately. Sure he was in a family film and sure he cant cuss as much as he wanted to, but you still was afraid of the guy. The guy looked like a crooked fuck ready to take everything away from you. That's why the movie worked. I mean most generic hollywood films would put the bad guys at an idiotic level and make them look stupid. I mean Pesci's character in Home Alone was meant to be stupid. But yet you still got scared of him whenever he tried to come after the kid's character, ( i forgot the actor's name but it's that lil blonde kid, you kno wha im talkin about, the one in the picture ). It was funny, it was hillarious, but shiiett, he was scary tho.

But his true gold films were as i said earlier above, GoodFellas and Casino. Raging Bull was a fantastic dramatic performance, but in all these films, Pesci starred alongside Robert DeNiro and all these fantastic films were directed by the great, great Martin Scorsese.

Joe Pesci protecting the "Jew" by stabbing some motherfucker in the neck with a pen. Nut ball.

Goodfellas, was MY introduction to gangster films. It wasn't the Godfather or Scarface, that came later for me, and yes those are golden classics, but the one that pushed the buttons for me was Goodfellas.

It came out in 1990, and my dad and i watched it when i was just 7, four years later. Yeah i was watching movies with that kind of maturity at that time. Sure it was a bit bad for a kid to watch that kind of movies at that age, but hey it was that kind of exposure which sealed the passion i had for the films i loved. Goodfellas broke my mould. I was wondering, wow, could anyone cuss like that and get away with it?

I didn't understand it at first of course, but as i grew older and when i hit 16, i remembered about it. I remembered that old movie my dad watched with me, which had way too many swear words. So i got curious, and i watched it again then. And from then i loved every waking moment of it. It was a classic. That movie should have won Best Film at the 1990 Oscars but instead it lost to fuckin Kevin Costner's politically correct film, Dances with Wolves. Yeah yeah, always go for the politically correct film, but shun the classic drama which had more class. Goodfellas did get nominated, but it never pushed the envelope for Best Film.

HOWEVER, Joe Fucking Pesci? He fuckin won. He pushed it. He won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. And check this out right, the guy was so flabbergasted when he won, he did not know what to say on his acceptance speech. He just said, "Thanks, I Appreciate It"

Thats IT!

Joe Pesci in one famous scene in Goodfellas where he questions how funny he really is with his friends. Classic.

He didn't give some boring long ass winded speech about how he deserved it and how much he was gratified by it. No. He just said those 3 words, and that in the history of the Oscars was the shortest speech ever to be given by anyone. Pesci just had no fuckin idea he would actually win. The guy did not believe he would actually win the Oscar. He genuinely came there to get drunk, enjoy the nomination and go home. I mean why would he win the Oscar? He played a two timing fucked up gangster who fucked everyone up and in the end got shot in the face by his own people. And on top of that he was cussing all the time. Why would the Academy appreciate him for this shit? But STILL he WON. Because he was that good. And no one was more surprised than him, thus the acceptance speech.

But im urging you lot to pick the movie up. Watch it. This is a fantastic movie with fantastic actors with nothing else but sheer power. Joe Pesci is one of the best actors alive today and it's a crying fuckin shame that hardly any of the kids today appreciate him. Well in one way, i can't blame you lot, cause well, the dude has retired in away( though he comes and occasional acts with Robert DeNiro sometimes )... but yeah watch GoodFellas, watch Casino, watch Raging Bull.

These are classics. You ain't seen a real film until you've watched these films. Their beautifully crafted with pure characters with so much colourful narratives.

Joe Fuckin Pesci is a Legend. And the word "fuckin'" Should be his official middle name. Joe Fuckin Pesci.

The Scene in the Dessert outside Las Vegas, from the film, CASINO. In total there are 22 times where the word "fuck" is used and this is done in a record of 2 minutes. Like i said it's not about the cussing, it's about the way they bring that character out,and Pesci does it in such a fashion, you get scared at how angry he really is.

It's Hard Being A Facebook Playa

2009-06-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

Ladies, take this Facebook message as proof that men are the worst people in the world. Absolutely HILLARIOUS LOL

8 Dumb Asses Who Would Ruin Your Party

2009-06-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

Throwing a party is a lot of work; You plan all week long, you make reservations, you get all the food sorted, alcohol is stocked up and everyone is invited, so it's a real disappointment when somebody you invited ruins it. You plan everything to perfection, and some loser has to come and screw everything up. They stick out like a sore blister on your ass. Here's 8 types of people to watch out for before you make your next invite list.

8. Person Who Insists On Cleaning Up Your Party While It's Still Going On

WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: Right in front of you, asking if your drink is finished. Or, methodically moving through the party with a white trash bag and a look on their face as if they’ve been hunting Osama Bin laden for the last 6 years and have narrowed down his whereabouts to somewhere in this party.

WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: Drinking a beer, much like sex, is far less enjoyable when someone is asking you if you’re finished every five minutes. It’s great that they want to help you clean up, but if you’ve decided to have a party, you’ve already resigned yourself to the fact that when it’s over, your house is going to probably look like the public restroom at your local petrol station. An utter wasteland.

I wonder if these people also decide to wipe their ass in the middle of taking a shit, just to "cut down on the work that has to be done when it's all over!" Or maybe perhaps having a cup ready for you at all instances just in case you decide to take a piss in the middle of the way while you're out, but hey theres your cup ready to go, so you can pee while your walking without a fuss. Such a spoiler.

7. GUY WHO GETS WASTED IN THE FIRST HOUR

WHERE YOU WILL FIND HIM: Right by the fridge, bro, cause that’s where all the beer is!

HOW HE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: From the moment this guy shows up, everything he says has an exclamation point at the end of it. “This party rules, dude!” “I am ready to party TO-night!” “Let’s shotgun these, BRO!” “Tits!”"DOWN YOUR DRINK NOWWWWWW"

Then, one hour and 13 beers and a couple of hard alcoholic beverages later this guy is incoherent, weaving on his feet and saying stuff like “Paartyyyygjlskdvm...im not drunkshakdhqawhdi” So, instead of kicking back and hanging out with your friends, you have to spend the rest of the night making sure he doesn’t puke on your couch, piss in your plants or crap on your coffee table.

6. Person Who Only Knows You

WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: About two feet to the right of you, standing silently, staring at either you or the person you’re talking to.

WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: You invited them because during the four and a half minutes a day you talk to them at work, they seem pretty cool and/or really enjoy the impression you do of a fellow coworker. Except as soon as they get to your party, they tense up like a dude having shitting problems. You have two options at this point, 1) entertain them and include them in every conversation you have the entire night, like they’re your wife or husband even though you probably don’t know their last name, or 2) leave them on their own which leads to them standing in a corner by themselves, staring at you, causing your friends to ask you “I think that dude in the corner is planning on raping you.”

5. GIRL WHO STARTS CRYING

WHERE YOU WILL FIND HER: She’s usually holed up in the bathroom (taking up valuable toilet space) with three of her bestest girlfriends—all three of whom are overweight.

HOW SHE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: The worst part is that this girl isn’t crying because her parents just died or she lost a limb. She’s sobbing into a fistful of tissues because she always needs to be the center of attention. If everyone’s not focused on her and all her problems, she just starts crying louder about her job or some lame guy who won’t date her or how fat her friends are. This means you either sit there and let her bring down the vibe of your party or you take her outside and listen to her whine about absolutely nothing. If possible, pair her up with the super wasted guy. She’ll think he’s listening and he’ll think he’s going to score. Win win situation for you either way.

4. Guy Who Can't Stop Talking About How Cool He Is

WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM : Anywhere around your place, where there's people. As long as there's someone around him, he'd just go on and on about how awesome he is and how he's so bad ass. The ultimate goal for a dude like this, is to spread his "awesomeness" at your party.

WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY : Simple. He would just about manage to piss every single person at your party off. Especially after he's had a few shots of tequila, a couple of packs of Jack Daniels, and you could throw in about 8 beers while you're at it. You'd have a brawl by then.

You see a dude like this has an ego the size of Godzilla. That means it's HUGE. He don't care who he pisses off or annoys, he's always gonna think he's right and you're wrong. And he's gonna go on and on and on about how awesome he is. Topics of his conversation would circle around, how many girls he's banged, or how much money he makes, or what kinda car he drives and how bad ass it is, or how cool his house is. The level of truth to most of his braggings are close to zero. Exaggeration would be his greatest forte. He'd say he has a Rolls Royce when he'd probably be driving a Honda. He'd say he lives in a penthouse, when he's still living with his parents. He'd say he kicked three guys asses for "looking at him the wrong way" when really they kicked his ass and sent him home packing. He'd be the pin up boy for biggest loser to get his asskicked.

Best chance? Kick him out while you can.

3. Creepy Dude Who Tries To Bang Chicks At The Very End Of The Party

WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: Towards the end of the party, he’ll be wherever he hears women at your party say the words “I can’t believe my friends left without me, they were my ride!” or “I’m so (hiccup) fucked up (hiccup) I gotta lay down or something.”

WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: There’s a reason why this dude waits till the end of the party to try and score; he’s way too fucking creepy to do so when someone isn’t in some sort of desperate situation. Thus, although he’s there because he’s either family, a neighbor, or someone else invited him, you now have to hope to God he doesn’t take advantage of someone at your party, otherwise your party will not be remembered as “That Amazing Bad Ass Party at Bill’s house,” and instead be remembered as “that party at Bill’s house where that creepy guy tried to dry hump Michele while she was puking.”

2. Couple Who Brings Their Baby

COUPLE WHO BRING THEIR BABY: Off to the side, on their knees, pleading with a 6 month old child to stop screaming or right next to you, asking you where he can dispose of a shit filled diaper.

WHY THEY WILL RUIN THEIR PARTY: Nothing says party like the sound of a screaming child and the stench of talcum powder and baby diarrhea! If there was a dude puking, shitting and crying at your party, would you be cool with that? No, you’d either be like “Who the fuck brought this guy?” But if you say that about a baby suddenly that makes you an asshole. Meanwhile, the party sucks because everyone is being super cautious and attentive to the baby, as if the other 99% of the time that they’re not there the baby is barely eluding death due to unsupervision.

1. THE POLITICS GUY

WHERE YOU WILL FIND HIM: At the beginning of the night he usually stands right next to the front door where he overtly shows off his political button or T-shirt that says something like "NO ISA" or " FUCK 1MALAYSIA" Then, after everyone shows up, he stealthily mingles from group to group while nonchalantly dropping lines like “Did you see what those ministers tried tried to pull at last week's Parliament sitting?” anytime there’s a lull in the conversation.

HOW HE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: No one in the history of parties has ever changed their political beliefs based on some asshole screaming about freedom of speech in the kitchen of a two bedroom apartment. His endlessly tiresome factoids and statistics about how bad our government is and how fucked up the system is in Malaysia is only just gonna annoy and dampen the party mood. If there's one thing that dont mix, it's politics and partying. You don't mix all that mental jargon with alcohol and drunkenness. It just don't work, even if the dude is speaking rightfully about facts.

Imagine this, you're down on your 6th shot of tequila, your high as hell, and the only thing that's not spinning around you right now is your ass. Otherwise everything looks like the merry go round around you. Then walks this dude, with his political points and how fucked up everything is. He goes on and on talking to you about the opposition and the government and the debates and the ISA and the only reason why your taking all this in, is because you can't move your god damn ass because you're just too damn drunk; next thing you know, you open your eyes and you've puked on the poor sucker.

I guess that's the only way to get a political enthusiast out of any decent party. Puking on him.

How To Really Get The Girl

2009-06-11T03:48:00.000-07:00

LOL

Mtv Going Too Far?

2009-06-11T03:39:00.000-07:00

MTV has always been known for pushing the boundaries of good taste, but have they gone too far this time? The images here are from an ad campaign in Portugal promoting the use of condoms to prevent HIV.

The images are certainly eye-catching, but is the use of violent sexual imagery justified by the ads being for an important cause?It's always interesting when you have something fresh to advertise with, and you work with people to get other people's attention by doing something unique although it may be a little risky.

However, if you're gonna push the limit and connote something that seems violent, i'd have to say it is pushing the tin a wee bit too far. Shit like this where women get shot in the vagina, has actually happened in some countries, and to see this depicted in a fairly commercial manner would shock some and even be insulting to women.

There could be better ways of promoting safe sex, but shooting a gun using a bullet from a condom, into a woman's vagina, just sends the alarm bells ringing, even if it does seem unique at first.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/3426273.stm

Check the website and you'll know what i mean.

Savagery beyond imagination'

The surgeon recounted one case of a woman who had the barrel of a gun inserted into her vagina.

The soldier then opened fire.

"The savagery we have here is beyond imagination," he said.

"They use all kinds of objects they can lay their hands on," he added, making a plea for the "world to be told about it, to be told of this reality".

So MtV...are you really being responsible by talking about safe sex in that manner? I guess we leave that to the individuals.

Doggy Style Sinks

2009-06-11T03:35:00.000-07:00

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These sinful sinks - shaped to look like a woman bending over - recently appeared on the street in Chongqing, China. To wash your hands you have to sidle up next to the woman’s behind and reach over. The basins were considered so risque that someone put underwear on them. Yeah, that helps.

Aside from the fact that you'd look like a bona fide pervert doin' doggy with a sink, you still get to have your hands washed up and squeaky clean. So that's two birds with one stone!

We need more of it a round here in Malaysia. Just hope none of them get's hard on though.

Looking Like Clooney isn't Exactly a Good Thing

2009-06-11T03:32:00.000-07:00

You’d think having a face that resembles George Clooney would be a good thing - a very, very good thing. Not so says Abdullah Simshek, a restaurant owner in the U.K. who kind of looks like the famous actor. According to Simshek, his similarity to Clooney has cost him his marriage of 14 years.

The 43-year-old Simsek, known as Apo,( with a name like that, i don't think your good looks could save your ego ) recently returned to the singles scene after he decided to dump his bland wife and head off to Hollywood to try his luck as a George Clooney look-alike. Simsek has had the nickname ‘George’ for years but claimed to have never known why. He found out when he eventually asked a friend, who brought him a photograph of the actor.

Simsek, however, doesn’t seek fame or fortune. He just wants to hook up with model Lisa Snowdon who dated George Clooney over a number of years and who happens to fill out a bra nicely. Why get money when you can get George Clooney's left overs right?

Given Simsek’s resemblance to Clooney, he thinks he’s got a good shot at Snowdown. Yeah, good luck with that.

It Don't Matter Who You Are, If Your Great At What You Do, Nobody Can Knock You Down

2009-06-10T02:44:00.000-07:00

When i was a kid i used to hear adults tellin me about the good ol' days of them growin up with Run DMC, or Tupac in their stereos, being inspired, and influenced by them to be who they are today. Other times it was AC/DC or Guns N Roses, or hell even Nirvana. It was those moments in time where these artists just influenced the way you grew up, either for the better or the worse. Sometimes it was the movies and sometimes it was music.

AeroSmith ( Rock Legends )

I was never submerged into music aside from the generic teen bullship pop wave back then. Backstreet boys and Nsync. It's embarassing to say this but yeah i was one of the kids that used to dig that shit, right up to i was 14 i suppose.

Now it's just rubbish. It never lasted. You see, pop never ages well. Pop is like juice, or milk. You keep it for too long, it expires and goes bad or chunky and if u taste it too much, it makes you sick and you start vomitting all that shit out.

N-Stink

That's pop.

Good rap or rock n roll however, is like wine or whisky. The longer you keep em, they age with perfection and they become classics. You never get enough of em, and if you have too much, shiiett, you just get way too high on that stuff, and you never leave the ground after some time. You just be flyin way up there in the sky with them tunes.

That's good rap and rock n roll.

N.W.A ( Niggaz With Attitude ) Rap Legends

If you pump in a good tupac song like Changes, or any of those old school Snoop Dogg or NWA classics on ur stereo, you know your gonna bob your head to that. The same goes for Sweet Child O' Mine or Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N Roses or Falling in Love Is So Hard On The Knees By Aerosmith, or what about all that Led Zepplin and AC/DC tracks??...you can never get sick of em... fourty years and they still go rocking on.

Could you try doing the same with I Want It That Way by the Backstreet Boys or Bye, Bye, Bye, by Nsync?....

Hell to the fuck no.

I'd rather diarrhea than listening to that shit.

So after all that bubblegum pop, i heard about this guy called Marshall Mathers, and he just came out with a song called The Real Slim Shady at the time. Man oh man, I still remember the first time that shit came out. When Slim Shady got into that car and started spinnin around the parking lot while some fat ugly bitch ate some cheesy nuggets filled with his phlegm and sickness, it was instant classic moment number 1 in my short life time at the time. I had never seen anything like that before in a music video ever. The song was amazing, with Slim rapping about how there are way too many posers out there copying him, thus the phrase going, will the real slim shady please stand up? and the hillarity of the concept of the video, with him dissing christina aguilera and britney spears. It was just genius!

Instant Classic!

Eminem was and is still a legend. He was white, and he was a rapper. Everyone thought he was going way too commercial. But you can't blame everyone for thinking that way. Remember the last time a succesful white rapper tried to do what Eminem was doing?..Yeah his name was Vanilla Ice...one song and then he hit rock bottom. Out of there like a dog with it's tail on fire. No one heard from him again. He got dissed and booed and shooed off stage. No one gave a fuck about him after.

Eminem was different. He held his ground and delivered with every single song. His verses cut deep with snide remarks and pure sarcasm and everyone loved him for it. He wrote with a certain magic which elated brutal honesty. Songs like The Real Slim Shady or Just Lose It or Hi My Name Is, made you laugh giggle and agree with him. His honesty made it work and his rhymes just took the shit out of ya and made you move. But when he got serious, he never held back. The Way I Am was a fantastic song about the pains and tribulations of his life; he rapped a lot about his mom and how it was so hard for him to live with barely nothing, raising his one daughter Hailey all by himself, since his wife left him, coz he was too damn poor to even buy diapers for the kid.

That's pain right there, and you felt it with his words. It's sorta like you get transported to his world when he used to cry, and the sympathy you feel for the man comes out. When one can move you with such words, you know he's good. I mean come on, the guy won an OSCAR for a rap song called Lose Yourself. A rap song winning an Oscar for Best Song is unheard of, but Eminem did it...he blasted everyone away. And he was so bad ass, he didn't even attend the OSCARS to accept his award. He shunned it because the Academy wouldn't allow him to perform his song uncensored. Now that's a man who loves his Art. That's a man who didn't sell out just for the money. He did it for his music, and he wasn't about to let anyone else tell him how to sing his songs.

That's why i look up to him so much. He carved a way for himself in a world where white boys were just never accepted to do this genre. It was just pathetic and stupid and they were looked upon as jokes. But Eminem still holds his head strong and kicks all kinds of ass. Name me one white rapper that has the success Eminem has had and i will shut up. I know you can't.. so i'll just keep talking.

I just got his new album Relapse; ive bought all his albums right from the Slim Shady LP to the new one. My personal favorite was always and would always be however, The Marshall Mathers LP. That's my first Eminem album that i ever purchased, and it has a big emotional meaning to it. I was young, tender and 15. And i heard the lyrics and it cracked my skull open. That was the album which made it for me. It openned my shell and the way i thought and jammed, and it still is a big part of influencing me.

If you ever get your hands on it, listen to all the songs, it's just completely amazing.

Like i said before, good rap songs never get bad, it always goes down in style. I was just listening to Em's latest Relapse album and there was this one song that particularly touched me. It's called Beautiful and i have to say it is the best song on the whole album, not because it sounds cool, but because i've never seen Em be this mature when it came to his sensitive side...

It was heartfelt, and it was so sincere, i almost had a tear.

Press play on the video, to truly feel the words Em is tryin to say, because the beat for this song, is just so well done, its impossible to understand the song without hearing it's beats...so enjoy, and i hope you guys get the song.

im just so fuckin' depressed
i just cant seem to get out this slump
if i could just get over this hump
but i need something to pull me out this dump
i took my bruises, took my lumps
fell down and i got right back up
but i need that spark to get psyched back up
and in order for me to pick the mic back up
i don't know how or why or when
i ended up this position im in
im started to feel distant again
so i decided just to pick this pen
up and try to make an attempt to vent
but i just cant admit
or come to grips the fact that i may be done with rap
i need a new outlet
and i know some shits so hard to swallow
but i cant just sit back and wallow
in my own sorrow but i know one fact
ill be one tough act to follow
one tough act to follow
ill be one tough act to follow
here today gone tomorrow but you'd have to walk a thousand miles

Chorus:
in my shoes, just to see
what its like, to be me
ill be you, lets trade shoes
just to see what it'd be like
to feel your pain, you feel mine
go inside each others minds
just to see what we'd find
look at shit through each others eyes
But don't let 'em say you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you
don't let 'em say you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you

i think im starting to lose my sense of humor
everything's so tense and gloom
i almost feel like i gotta check the temperature of the room just as soon as i walk in
its like all eyes on me so i try to avoid any eye contact
cuz if i do that then it opens the door for conversation like i want that
im not looking for extra attention i just want to be just like you
blend in with the rest of the room maybe just point me to the closest restroom
i don't need no fucking man servant tryin to follow me around and wipe my ass
laugh at every single joke i crack and half of them aint even funny like hahhhhh

"Marshall your so funny man you should be a comedian god damn"

unfortunately i am, i just hide behind the tears of a clown
so why don't you all sit down
listen to the tale that im about to tell
hell we don't gotta trade our shoes
and you don't gotta walk no thousand miles

Chorus:
in my shoes, just to see
what its like, to be me
ill be you, lets trade shoes
just to see what id be like
to feel your pain, you feel mine
go inside each others minds
just to see what we'd find
look at shit through each others eyes
But don't let 'em say you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to you
don't let em say you aint beautiful
they can all get fucked just stay true to youuuuu

Last Verse :

nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands we're dealt
we gotta take these cards ourselves and flip em don't expect no help
now i could have either just sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
or take this situation in which im placed in and get up and kick my own
i was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags
and sat on the porch and hope and prayed for a dad to show up who never did
i just wanted to fit in in every single place every school i went
i dreamed of being that cool kid even if it meant acting stupid
and Edna always told me, keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that
meanwhile im just standing there holding my tongue

Tryna Talk Like Dis *donald duck like vioice*

then i stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole at 8 years old
i learned my lesson then cuz i wasn't trying to impress my friends no more
but i already told you my whole life story
not just based on my description
cuz where you see it from where your sittin its probably 110% different
i guess we would have to walk a mile in each others shoes at least
what size you wear? i wear tens
lets see if you can fit your feet

Simon Cowell : The Bastard that Brought Back Disco

2009-06-09T20:02:00.000-07:00

Simon Cowell is a fantastic guy when it comes to opinions. Well fantastic meaning he's just too damn honest with whatever hits his head. I don't mind that. I don't mind the comments. We need more honest joes who don't beat around the bush and talk nice.

What i do mind though is the fact that he sure knows how to squeeze the living day lights out every commercial deal he makes and turn it into some kind of crazy atrocity. Word on the streets is that Cowell is looking to make a REMAKE of Saturday Night Fever...

ANOTHER REMAKE?!

What is with Hollywood and all these fuckin remakes??? Do we really need to see a wanna be John Travolta strumming his steps to the sounds of the Bee Gees...in TODAY'S age?!?

Huh?? Some one wanna copy me?? They better be ready for a dance off, coz AH AHM THA DISCO KHING... d'ohh..

Earth to Cowell, Earth to Cowell, Haven't you heard? Disco is DEAD!

Nah i don't think he get's the point.

Cowell is a business man, and all that high school musical bullshit buzz and Hannah Montana teeny bopper movies have struck a cord in him. So why not exploit that point and make use of it!

The go to guy for this genre would of course be none other than Zac "douchebag pretty boy" Effron. The guy can sing, dance and perform and make all the tweens out there go crazy with giggles and laughter, but does he have the talent as an actor? Close to none. My suggestion to Effron ( like it even matters ) would be to stay in broadway where he could use that talent of dancing and singing to better use.

I'M TO PRETTY FOR DISCO!! Wait...why am i flexing myself and singing alone in the Shower???... Gay moment..

But wait! Effron does not wanna do musicals anymore.. so how is Cowell gonan ensnare this lil bugger right here??? His dream boy is not gonna make the cut!

Ahhh do i hear negotiations for a bigger fatter pay check? I think so yes. Money can buy anything.

But seriously though. I can't imagine the BeeGees music strumming down to our current generation. Night fever in 2010??? No way in hell!

Ahh but again, there is a solution to that. Once again word on the street says the go to guy for all things musically "cool" is Timbaland; that fat boy could make mary had a little lamb sound gangsta in any way possible. So why not use him to pimp up the old school Bee Gees sounds right??

I'mma Kick Some Ass into them BeeGees shizznitz and make them bitches bump and grind to Disco beeyatch!!

ergh... mixing Timbaland and The BeeGees sounds just as great as mixing onions with chocolates.

I guess the lack of genius ideas really has hit the ceiling in Hollywood this time around. Everyone just wants to make money.

Bummer man.

Weirdest Music Video Ive Seen To Date

2009-06-09T19:50:00.000-07:00

You know i've seen some pretty retarded videos on MtV for a very long time, but with youtube being the new source of checking out your music videos, you get a lot of random crap thrown around that you could never have found on day time tv.

I've seen a lot of sucky bile inducing videos, mainly from insane eastern european pop bands, or heavy metal hardcore rock videos, or the cheesy ballads from the 80s. But this has gotta be the weirdest video i have seen to date. A grown woman, "gives birth" to 5 grown ass adults, and then the black guy and the white guy go out into the world running in the middle of the street in broad daylight with their umbilical cords still tied to each other, just after shaking the blood off themselves.

Strangely enough, the music is actually catchy, but the video is just.... unnatural. The band is called Super Viral Brothers, and the song? Hot Chocolate + Polar Bear Rug.... lol the connection between hot chocolate and polar bear rugs with this video, just bewilders any sane person

Are you A Dumb Ass?

2009-06-09T05:10:00.000-07:00

You know a dumb ass is a dumb ass just like how a tomato is a tomato. You cant mistake a tomato from a banana can you? Bananas are long yellow and nice to shove in your mouth, while tomatoes are red and juicy and nice to grab on to. How can u mix those two up? You can if you are a dumb ass. That's why you just cant mistake a dumb ass from a rational thinking person. You could spot a dumb ass a mile away.

How?

Easy. A dumb ass is a person who tries talking to you about rational things but his dumb ass capacity does not allow it thus resulting with him or her chatting about conversations revolving around dumb ass topics such as;

Hey i just got my new iphone but i can't seem to access any porn site.
I asked my grandma how to use a condom.
Why can't i take my dog to the clinic for vaccination? I mean dog's and human's are mammals so why cant my dogs get treated by my family doctor?
I took a picture of my turd when i took a shit this morning, and it sorta looks like a fruit loop cake. Do you wanna see?
If you were the last person on earth would you fuck someone in the ass or get fucked in the ass by someone?
If i was chinese would you eat my pussy like shrimp fried rice with soy sauce?
Dude i totally ate this cockroach the other day and it tasted like my girlfriend's chocolate biscuits.
I zapped my self in the nuts with a taser gun when i was drunk!
I called my best friend's arab girlfriend a terrorist... And she got pissed off! GOD THOSE ARABS ARE SO SENSITIVE!

Have you ever come across anyone who sounds remotely like that? Or do you yourself sound like that when you talk with your friends?

Well if your answer is YES and YES, you are in the league of dumbasses. Congratulations.

We'd like to call this the dumb ass factor.

It's sorta like a plague, kinda like the swine flu virus that's going about now. Once someone get's it, it catches on and then it becomes out of control.

The colleges today are full of these dumb ass breeds. If you chance upon any colleges in Malaysia, the dumb ass breeds are abundant and plentiful. They flock to your local cafes or eateries gathering around there not to eat but to converse and run into other dumb asses to spread the dumb assery around.

Malaysian dumb asses are especially special; and the exceptional ones are aged between 16 to 26. Young adults, as some might like to refer to them as, though there would be nothing remotely adult about them.

A perfect example of a dumb ass get away for these kids would be a place called Asia Cafe in Subang Jaya, Malaysia where the kids or "young adults" would like to gather to "eat"

Well, not really, no.

The food there is as satisfying as a frozen turnip, and on top of that it is charged with prices that could cost you your left testicle considering the atrocious quality you get. But yet kids flock there to the satisfaction of wanting be in the "cool" group coz that's where all the "cool" people hang out.

Ergo, i mean where other dumbasses hang out.

If Steve Irwin were to be alive today, and he had the genius idea of wanting to do a dumb ass expedition for the Discovery Channel, he'd hurry on to Asia Cafe, Subang Jaya, Malaysia.

When you find yourself in this strange land called Asia Cafe, you could sense weary eyes looking at you and they scrutinise you even when you just go down to order your food or when you go back to sit your ass down or to just make small talk with some friends you see. It's like they haven't seen another human being and they oogle at you like you're a distant intergalactic being with a penis on your forehead. As soon as that is done, they move forward to their other dumb ass colleagues and discuss in whispers about what they just saw leaving you to wonder in paranoia if you just left your fly open or if you've stepped in some big pile of poo and you've been leaving a trail of shit lagging behind

To have a chat with one from the dumb ass species is not difficult, but it can lead to long conversations which would eventually amount to nothing resulting with you getting bored or extremely slow. It can be sometimes a health hazard if you engage with these kind of dumbasses frequently. Your brain would cease to function and you'd find yourself picking it's corners for any intelligent thoughts because all that's being fed into your brain currently would be more and more unintelligible shit. Sooner or later, you finally become as slow as these individuals and next thing you know, you have been converted into a dumb ass, and you start talking exactly like them. Your brain moves faster than a speeding sloth, and as agile as a snail on LSD. You basically have no intelligable thing to say, and you become engrossed with knowing every single thing that has the least meaning in the world to yourself.

So the next question to ask when reading this; is Are YOU A Dumb Ass?

How not to get your ass kicked by the police

2009-06-09T05:02:00.000-07:00

I've seen this video a million times, just posted it on my facebook i still never ever get bored of this shit. Hillarious. You gotta be a dumb ass if u dont find this shit funny.

The 5 Real Life Soldiers That Make Rambo Look Like A Pussy

2009-06-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

We all know Hollywood can be full of shit. It just piles up and goes on and on and everything becomes unbelievable. The natural action film where one good guy could knock out every single bad guy out there makes us naturally go..."it's just a film, this would never ever happen in real life."

After all, how could one guy kill and take out an army full of bad guys right?

Well...actually yes, in real life that could happen. It turns out the history books are full of stories of soldiers doing things so badass they'd hesitate to put them into a film for fear of killing the realism. Like these five, for example. Read and get your minds blown away.

example.

#5. Simo Hayha

Who Was He?

Simo Hayha had a fairly boring life in Finland. He served his one mandatory year in the military, and then became a farmer. But when the Soviet Union invaded his homeland in 1939, he decided he wanted to help his country.

Since the majority of fighting took place in the forest, he figured the best way to stop the invasion was to grab his trusty rifle, a couple of cans of food and hide in a tree all day shooting Russians. In six feet of snow. And 20-40 degrees below zero.

Can you spot Hayha? Neither could the Russians.

Of course when the Russians heard that dozens of their men were going down and that it was all one dude with a rifle, they got fucking scared. He became known as "The White Death" because of his white camouflage outfit, and they actually mounted whole missions just to kill that one guy.

They started by sending out a task force to find Hayha and take him out. He killed them all.

Then they tried getting together a team of counter-snipers (which are basically snipers that kill snipers) and sent them in to eliminate Hayha. He killed all of them, too.

Over the course of 100 days, Hayha killed 542 people with his rifle. He took out another 150 or so with his SMG, sending his credited kill-count up to 705.

Since everyone they had was either too dead or too scared to go anywhere near him, the Russians just carpet-bombed everywhere they thought he might be. Supposedly, they had the location right, and he actually got hit by a cloud of shrapnel that tore his coat up, but didn't actually hurt him, because he's the fucking White Death, damn it.

Finally on March 6th, 1940, some lucky bastard shot Hayha in the head with an exploding bullet. When some other soldiers found him and brought him back to base, he "had half his head missing." The White Death had finally been stopped...

...for about a week. In spite of having come down with a nasty case of shot-in-the-face syndrome, he was still very much alive, and regained consciousness on March 13, the very day the war ended.Now is that legendary or what? The guy had half his face blown away and he LIVED.

And The Best Hollywood Could Come Up With ? :

Bob Lee Swagger (Mark Wahlberg) from Shooter:

In Shooter, Mark Wahlberg plays a reclusive, worn-out ex-sniper trying to escape the ghosts of his past. Bob Lee is called in by the FBI who want to know if he (hypothetically) wanted to murder, let's say, the president, how would he (hypothetically) do it? They claim that he's "the best there is" because after years of training with long-distance shooting, he successfully killed 70 men in the desert with one of these:

Why it doesn't Compare:

Aside from the obvious fact that Hayha killed over 10 times as many men after only the most basic military training, he did it in 40-below weather, in the middle of the forest. And he did it all with one of this little piece of stick:

It's not how you big your gun is, it's about how you use it

#4. Yogendra Singh Yadav

Who Was He?

Yogendra Singh Yadav was a member of an Indian grenadier battalion during a conflict with Pakistan in 1999. Their mission was to climb "Tiger Hill" (actually a big-ass mountain), and neutralize the three enemy bunkers at the top. Unfortunately, this meant climbing up a sheer hundred-foot cliff-face of solid ice. Since they didn't want to all climb up one at a time with ice-axes, they decided they'd send one guy up, and he'd fasten the ropes to the cliff as he went, so everyone else could climb up the sissy way. Yadav, being bad ass, volunteered.

Half way up the icy cliff-o'-doom, enemies stationed on an adjacent mountain opened fire, shooting them with an RPG, then spraying assault-rifle fire all over the cliff. Half his squad was killed, including the commander, and the rest were scattered and disorganized. Yadav, in spite of being shot three times, kept climbing.

When he reached the top, one of the target bunkers opened fire on him with machine guns. Yadav ran toward the hail of bullets, pitched a grenade in the window and killed everyone inside. By this point the second bunker had a clear shot and opened fire, so he ran at them, taking bullets while he did, and killed the four heavily-armed men inside with his bare hands.

Meanwhile, the remainder of his squad was standing at the top of the cliff staring at him saying, "dude, holy shit!" They then all went and took the third bunker with little trouble.

For his gallantry and sheer ballsiness, he was awarded the Param Vir Chakra, India's highest military award. Unlike the Medal of Honor, the Param Vir Chakra is only given for "rarest of the rare gallantry which is beyond the call of duty and which in normal life is considered impossible to do." That's right, you actually have to break the laws of reality just to be eligible. Did i mention Yadav was only 19 when he kicked all kinds of ass? Yeah he was 19.

And we imagine the medal looks like two, brass testicles.

It has only been awarded 21 times, and two thirds of the people who earned it died in the process. It was initially reported that Yadav had as well, but it turns out that they just mistook him for someone less badass. Or they just figured no real human being could survive a broken leg, shattered arm and 10-15 fresh bullet holes in one sitting.

And The best Hollywood could come up with ? :

John McClane (Bruce Wilis) from Die Hard:

Why it Doesn't Compare:

McClane has a fairly impressive resume of badassery, climbing through elevator shafts and killing terrorists with his bare hands, much like Yadav, except Yadav took more bullets in 10 minutes than McClane did in the entire series without even slowing down. Plus, he was fucking 19-years-old! Try to imagine a high school Bruce Willis screaming, "yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!"

Exactly.

#3. Jack Churchill

Who Was He?

An allied commander in WWII, and an avid fan of surfing, Captain Jack Malcolm Thorpe Fleming Churchill aka "Fighting Jack Churchill" aka "Mad Jack" was basically the craziest motherfucker in the whole damn war.

He volunteered for commando duty, not actually knowing what it entailed, but knowing that it sounded dangerous, and therefore fun. He is best known for saying that "any officer who goes into action without his sword is improperly dressed" and, in following with this, for carrying a sword into battle. In WWII. And not one of those sissy ceremonial things the Marines have. No, Jack carried a fucking claymore. And he used it, too. He is credited with capturing a total of 42 Germans and a mortar squad in the middle of the night, using only his sword.

Churchill and his team were tasked with capturing a German fortification creatively called "Point 622." Churchill took the lead, charging ahead of the group into the dark through the barbed wire and mines, pitching grenades as he went. Although his unit did their best to catch up, all but six of them were lost to silly things like death. Of those six, half were wounded and all any of them had left were pistols. Then a mortar shell swung in and killed/mortally wounded everyone who wasn't Jack Churchill.

When the Germans found him, he was playing "Will Ye No Come Back Again?" on his bagpipes. Oh, I didn't mention that? He carried them right next to his big fucking sword.

After being sent to a concentration camp, he got bored and left. Just walked out. They caught him again, and sent him to a new camp. So he left again. After walking 150 miles with only a rusty can of onions for food, he was picked up by the Americans and sent back to Britain, where he demanded to be sent back into the field, only to find out (with great disappointment) the war had ended while he was on his way there. As he later said to his friends, "If it wasn't for those damn Yanks, we could have kept the war going another 10 years!"

The Best Hollywood Could Come Up With:

Colonel Bill Kilgore (Robert DuVall) from Apocalypse Now, of "I love the smell of napalm in the morning" fame.

Why It Doesn't Compare:

Well, truth be told, they're pretty much the same person. They're both at home on the battlefield, they have the same philosophies of war and both of them seem to be immune to mortar fire and bullets. Churchill's basically a crazier, Scottish version of Kilgore. With a big fucking broadsword. Like if Kilgore was played by William Wallace from Braveheart on crystal meth.

#2. Alvin York

Who Was He?

Born to a family of redneck farmers from Tennessee, Alvin York spent much of his youth getting piss drunk in bars and getting into crazy barfights. When his friend got killed in one of the aforementioned barfights, he swore off the liquor, and became a pacifist. When he received his draft notice in 1917, York filed as a "conscientious objector" but was denied. They shipped his ass out to basic training.

About a year later, he was one of 17 men designated to sneak around and take out a fortified machine-gun encampment guarding a German railroad. As they were approaching, the gunners spotted them and opened fire, tearing nine of the men to pieces.

What's left of York's troupe.

The few survivors that didn't have enormous balls of steel ran away, leaving York standing there taking fire from 32 heavy machine gunners. As he said in his diary,

"I didn't have time to dodge behind a tree or dive into the brush, I didn't even have time to kneel or lie down. I had no time no how to do nothing but watch them-there German machine gunners and give them the best I had. Every time I seed a German I just touched him off. At first I was shooting from a prone position; that is lying down; just like we often shoot at the targets in the shooting matches in the mountains of Tennessee; and it was just about the same distance. But the targets here were bigger. I just couldn't miss a German's head or body at that distance. And I didn't."

After he killed the first 20 men or so, a German lieutenant got five guys together to try to take this guy from the side. York pulled out his Colt .45 (which only had eight bullets) and killed all of them with it, a practice he likened to "shoot[ing] wild turkeys back home."

Yeah, about the same aren't they

At this point lieutenant Paul Jurgen Vollmer yelled out over the noise asking if York was English. See, in WWI, no one really took the Americans very seriously, and everyone thought of them as the rookies. Vollmer figured this crazy/awesome/ballsy soldier must be some kind of English superman who was showing these sissy Americans how it was done. When York said he was American, Vollmer replied "Good Lord! If you won't shoot any more I will make them give up."

Ten minutes later, 133 men came walking towards the remains of York's battalion. Lieutenant Woods, York's superior at first thought it was a German counter-attack until he saw York, who saluted and said "Corporal York reports with prisoners, sir." When the stunned officer asked how many, York replied "Honest, Lieutenant, I don't know."

The Best Hollywood Could Come Up With:

John Rambo from Rambo.

Why it Doesn't Compare:

Sure, Rambo takes on a huge chunk of the Vietnamese soldiers guarding a POW camp and slaughters them all. But that was a good 10 years after the war ended. It's not like they were expecting some guy to come charging into the camp, mowing everybody down.

York pulled his badassery off in the middle of a war, while outnumbered every bit as badly as Rambo was. And York's the one who was a pacifist.

#1. Audie Murphy

Who Was He?

When Audie Murphy applied to the Marines in 1942 at the tender age of 16, he was 5'5" and weighed 110 pounds. They laughed in his face. So he applied to the Air Force, and they also laughed in his face. Then he applied for the Army, and they figured they could always use another grunt to absorb gunfire, so they let him in. He wasn't particularly good at it, and they actually tried to get him transferred to be a cook after he passed out halfway through training. He insisted that he wanted to fight though, so they sent him into the maelstrom.

During the invasion of Italy he was promoted to corporal for his awesome shooting skills, and at the same time contracted malaria, which he had for almost the entire war. Try to remember that.

He was sent into southern France in 1944. He encountered a German machine gun crew who pretended they were surrendering, then shot his best buddy. Murphy completely hulked out, killed everyone in the gun nest, then used their weaponry to kill every baddie in a 100-yard radius, including two more machine gun nests and a bunch of snipers. They gave him a Distiguished Service Cross, and made him platoon commander while everyone apologized profusely for calling him "Shorty."

About half a year later, his company was given the job of defending the Colmar Pocket, a critical region in France, even though all they had left was 19 guys (out of the original 128) and a couple of M-10 Tank Destroyers.

The Germans showed up with a shitload of guys and half a dozen tanks. Since reinforcements weren't coming for a while, Murphy and his men hid in a trench and sent the M-10s to go do the heavy lifting. They got ripped to shreds.

Then, this five-and-a-half-foot-tall kid with malaria ran up to one of the crippled M-10s, hopped in behind the .50 cal machine gun, and started killing everything in sight. Understand that the M-10 was on fire, had a full tank of gas and was basically a death-trap.

He is a seriously tiny man.

He kept going for almost an hour until he was out of bullets, then walked back to his bewildered men as the M-10 exploded in the background Mad Max style. They gave him literally every medal they could (33 in all, although he had doubles of a few, plus five from France and one from Belgium), including the Medal of Honor.

After the war, he came down with Shell-Shock, and was prescribed the antidepressant placidyl. When he became addicted to the drug, rather than enter a program like some kind of sissy, he went cold-turkey, locked himself in a motel room for a week and got over it. He wrote an autobiography entitled To Hell and Back, and later became an actor.

And The Best Hollywood Could Come Up With ? :

Audie Murphy (Audie Murphy) from To Hell and Back, yup thats right, he stared in a movie about himself:

He is a seriously tiny man.

In To Hell and Back, Audie Murphy plays Audie Murphy, a badass war hero who proves his worth on the battlefield with his awesome badassery. The movie was the highest-grossing film Universal made, a record it held for 20 years until the making of Jaws. That's right, they actually needed a movie about a giant, man-eating, shark to top Audie Murphy's awesomeness.

Why it Doesn't Compare:

When some Hollywood producer wanted to make a movie based on Murphy's autobiography, he was determined to have Murphy play himself in the film. Murphy was afraid people would see the complete insane awesomeness the story had to offer, and think he was embellishing or trying to cash in on his fame, so he actually had them take parts out for fear that they wouldn't be believable to a Hollywood audience. Seriously.

A Momentary Loss of Words

2009-06-07T08:18:00.000-07:00

You know sometimes shit happens for a reason. Sometimes its a bad day at work, sometimes its just the people you work with, sometimes it's just you screwing up in general and sometimes it's your karma, if you believe it or not. Everything backfires, you get shot in the face and you end up on the floor bleeding on the hard cold cement, while everything around you glistens in crimson red, leaving you to dissect the damage alone, wondering what went wrong where.

I got robbed a couple of days ago. Stupid scenario really and to say it was my bad luck, would be questionable perhaps. Maybe it could have been avoided, maybe it could have not, and maybe it was perhaps inevitable; but irregardless, that one act in that one moment which lasted a fleeting 5 seconds, screwed up my entire week. My relationship with my parents, my anger inside, my outlook on everything around me, and my choices in doing anything, it was like pouring petrol on my food; or chlorine in my lungs..

I'm a person who knows what he wants. But when something smacks me so hard in the face that it puts me off everything, sorta like a hurling car crashing into you sideways forcefully pushing you off course making you swerve in an unknown direction, and suddenly you find yourself facing different collisions without knowing how to deal with it.... you just go with it and... well...come what may... i suppose

So when you're put out there, and you find yourself in a fish out of water kinda experience, what do you do?

Adapt?

Conform?

Change?

They all sound different, but they essentially end up giving the same result. It's just how it's looked at from different view points from different perspectives.

To adapt would mean to evolve and fix yourself in a position that could benefit you with your environment.

To conform would mean you subjecting yourself with what you have to work with. You basically do not have a choice...or so it seems.

To change would mean to move on and fix what you were before, to perhaps be something else, for better or for worse.

At the end of the road of each of these 3 different paths, the end result is all too similar. It's just that the path to getting there, is what makes each of these options so very different from the other. To some, or hey maybe most?... this wouldn't even be close to an issue. If the end result is fine, who cares about how you got to that result? Why would it matter?

I guess it's just a silly predicament i got throwing around in my head where i refuse to just sit by and bite down and change or conform. I never do things if i dont believe in it. I do it because i have to adapt to my circumstances. I do it because, adapting is the only way out.

You adapt...to survive.

That's my reasoning for it.

If i can't adapt to my circumstance, i'd be another man left behind. Do i really want to be that person?

The thing about adapting is that you can evolve, but also stick to your own principles, and work on it later. You become a chameleon. Things that surround you becomes you, and you become your surroundings, but inside your still the same.

I believe in my principles, and i can't let any of it go. If i do, what would become of me..i could only wonder.

What would you do? Ever ask yourself that?

Why Dogs Are Cool?

2009-06-02T09:11:00.000-07:00

Cause they can Fly and Cats Cant!

Cyber sex gone wrong....Again

2009-06-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

Bloodninja: Wanna cybersex?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an s**t?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. B**ch.
MommyMelissa: whatever.

-------

Bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
Bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, Bloodninja.
Bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
Bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
Bloodninja: I cast Lvl 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
Bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl 8 Penis of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
Bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
Bloodninja: Don't f**k with me biznitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
Bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece.
Bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
Bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
Bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
Bloodninja: Baby?
___

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

-----------------------------

I.F.: You ready yet? Im bearing to go!
SexyKarla17: Yhea im slipping out of my clothes right now, what do you look like?
I.F.: a Kodiac bear
SexyKarla17: ?
I.F.: Im soft naked, fuzzy and waiting for you to come mount me
SexyKarla17: Oh I love cute fuzzy bears, I walk up and get on top of you stroking your soft hair, kissing you gently as my move my way down your stomach
I.F.: I growl to warm you my cubs are near
SexyKarla17: huh?
I.F.: Bears get f**kin pumped when anyone is near their cubs
Sexkarla17: yhea hehe dont be silly..
SexyKarla17: I love how you growl as I continue to kiss you, while taking off your pants.
I.F.: Bears dont wear pants and you should cover yourself in Honey now
SexyKarla17: hehe you would love to lick that off me huh. I pour honey all over my warm wet body waiting for you to start licking it off me slowly
I.F.: I sniff the air to see where the sweet scent of the honey is coming from, while slowly snorting and walking towards you
I.F.: I Growl again, and start to bite you
SexyKarla17: Yhea that feels good..ooooo...not too hard now
I.F.: I bite harder peeling flesh from your stomach, and look up into your eyes to show you my mouth dripping with your warm blood mixed with honey, I then I let my cubs rip apart your limbs and play with you like a ragdoll.
SexyKarla17: what the f**k?
I.F.:uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh and im spent.

------------------------------------

Jdogg: Hey
QT-Pie: Hey
Jdogg: whats goin on
QT-Pie: Nothing. Who are you?
Jdogg: Jdogg. Wanna cyber?
QT-Pie: what does that mean?
Jdogg: what are you wearing?
QT-Pie: T-shirt. Jeans.
Jdogg: Garter belt?
QT-Pie: Ummm...no.
Jdogg: Are we gonna cyber or not?
QT-Pie: uh, okay.
Jdogg: Sweet, I start by rubbing your ass all around. You love this.
Jdogg: You're wet already. I can smell your p*ssy stink from here.
QT-Pie: WHAT?!
Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.
Jdogg: You leave everything to Jdogg.
Jdogg: I am completely inside of you. You are my dick puppet. I put on a little play.
QT-Pie: This is weird. I should go.
Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.
QT-Pie: A stripe?
Jdogg: I need a sandwich.
QT-Pie: You're a freak.
Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.

Tribute to Men Staring at Curves Boobs Ass and Everything else in between

2009-06-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

Men like staring at boobs and butts. That's just a scientific fact. Everyone has stolen a tantalizing glance at a nice rack or an amazing posterior at least once in their life. Fortunately for the rest of us, some of these epic boob/ass stares have been documented via photograph and published to the internet for all to see, and I've taken the liberty of gathering some of the best boob and ass stares into one awesome collection. This is for all the men out there who stare selflessly into the curves of all the women out there. For all those brave attempts at being the raging males that they are without getting a slap in return... this is the tribute to men staring at boobs/Ass

You Think Robots Are Cool? Think Again

2009-05-15T22:24:00.000-07:00

Terminator Salvation is coming out real soon and i sorta got inspired to go and check out the real live robots out there in the world. I loved the Terminator movies, well except Terminator 3...that was just stupid... but otherwise robotics is an interesting thing...or so i thought....

Scientists say they can now build near-perfect replications of a human being, and that they finally have the technology to bring the inanimate to life.

Scientists are liars. Here are seven robots that reached for "life-like," and came up with a big handful of your worst nightmares.

#7.

Geminoid

The Geminoid was built by Professor Hiroshi Ishiguro of Osaka University. He's used a mold of his own body for the overall shape of the robot, programmed his body language and voice into it, and even implanted his own hair into the android's skull.

Prof. Ishiguro, in summary, would very much like to be killed and replaced by a robot, stopping just short of sending out beautiful, handwritten invitations to the T-1000 from Terminator 2, requesting its presence at his upcoming All-Night Knife and Choking Party.

The professor often speaks through the robot, rather than personally attending company board meetings. So, perhaps this is a good time to stop bitching about your boss. At least he's not forcing you to pitch your latest project to a dead-eyed robot clone of himself.

Why It's So, So Creepy

On top of the simple implication that we can all be replaced by robots, the Geminoid is mostly creepy because it's not quite an exact replica of Ishiguro. It's more like Ishiguro built a slightly retarded younger brother for himself with down syndrome, giving it a permanent expression of intense confusion and frustration like its constantly wanting to take a shit but there is no shit to take.

It's like the Geminoid is always trying to figure out just what the fuck it's doing here, much like you probably are right now. It also reacts a little too convincingly when they start repeatedly poking it directly in the face, hard. It seems to grow annoyed--almost enraged--but then they stop just short of provoking a killing spree, and it goes right back to puzzling out what the hell all that was about.

This suggests a level of reasoning and consciousness that is intensely disturbing. You probably don't want that robot figuring out that there are two things in this room that can pass for Professor Ishiguro, and only one of them doesn't have to sit in a folding chair getting poked in the face by research assistants for the next 20 years.

#6.

Simroid

Simroid was designed by the Kokoro Company to assist dentists in training--hopefully just with dentistry, and not so much on how to get to third base with an anaesthetized patient. The Simroid has air-controlled muscles for a more fluid, natural movement, soft silicon skin for a more human texture, a limited vocabulary to express her current emotional state, and has been programmed to respond to basic commands. She also has highly sensitive receptors all throughout her mouth, so that she can react to pain in a convincing manner.

In a nutshell: Dentists were sick of causing their fellow human beings even a small amount of pain while training, so they designed a robot that does nothing but feel pain better, and more efficiently.

Why It's So, So Creepy

Even setting aside for a moment the disturbing fact that they've built a robot just to hurt it, Simroid brings to mind some other, seriously creepy possible uses. Let's see if you can guess where we're going with this: She has a lifelike mouth, soft skin, responds in a variety of ways to pressure in her oral cavity ... and has even been equipped with a gag reflex, so she can accurately respond when "instruments are inserted too far into her mouth." In the interest of good taste, we're not even going to say what those "instruments" might be.

(Dicks. It's dicks.)

#5.

Albert Hubo

Albert Hubo was built to commemorate the 100-year anniversary of Albert Einstein's theory of relativity. And what better way to honor such a brilliant and gentle human being than by building a recreation of his head and bolting it to a cartoonish Korean robot in order to impress convention-goers. It was kind of like honoring Gandhi's lifetime of achievements by digging up his corpse and sewing his decomposed face onto a Transformer so it can dance for nickels outside of the arcade.

Why It's So, So Creepy

"The Uncanny Valley" is the term used for the disturbing feeling you get when something is incredibly lifelike and human, but some small aspect or feature of it throws the perception off. Like the jerky way a robot moves that's not quite convincing, the stilting way it talks that's not quite natural or, in this case, the fact that it's only a human head crudely stapled to an anime-style mech. That's not slipping down the Uncanny Valley, that's being jump kicked down the Uncanny Stairwell.

The only thing creepier than building an entire robot to resemble a human being, is only building one small part of a robot to look like a human being--leaving the rest as cold, hard steel. Don't believe us? There's nothing too creepy about C-3PO, right? In fact, meeting him would be pretty neat. Now, imagine that as you shake his hand, your eyes slowly drift downward, and you notice that he's entirely golden--just as usual--except for two tiny, pink human feet. Suddenly it's Horror Camp, and you're staying the whole summer.

It's great that they've chosen Einstein for this unique honor, too. He's one of the few internationally recognized faces. An image so culturally constant that the part of your brain responsible for facial recognition can't help but register him as a friend ... until he comes stomping across the convention floor, his face abruptly bursting into an unsettling facsimile of his trademark grin. His cold, dead eyes locked onto you in a vicious parody of friendly recognition. And then, just when you think it can't get any worse, he reaches out for a hug ...

#4.

Jules

Jules is the flagship android for Hanson Robotics, also responsible for Albert Hubo up there. Jules is their most lifelike robot to date, both in physical appearance and artificial intelligence. He comes equipped with some basic servos in his arms and torso, and some seriously advanced animatronics throughout his head and face. He even has hi-res cameras in both eyes so that he can "see, and track people" to help him "lock-on to his conversation partners."

Well!

That's ... uh ... that's just a smidge ominous.

Why It's So, So Creepy

At first glance Jules isn't so bad. He's just lifelike enough to put you the littlest bit at ease. You might be a bit uncomfortable interacting with Jules, but nothing unbearable, and everything about him is carefully designed to minimize even that small discomfort. He is specifically built to be androgynous, he speaks with a pleasing pseudo-British accent, and the default state of his facial expression is happily bewildered, like a confused puppy. That is, until Jules turns to profile:

And you see that the back half of his skull has been sheared off, leaving only a mass of twisted wires and whirring motors.

However, it's not until you get into Jules' personality software that things start to get really, truly creepy. You see, because Jules remembers conversations and learns from them, Hanson Robotics insists that "if you treat Jules poorly, it may not be nice to you."

Hold up a minute. Let's get this straight: If you dis Jules, he'll note it, remember it and respond in kind. You know, we have a word for that in the English language:

Revenge.

They have built an android that can almost pass for human, learns from its mistakes, tracks people and actively seeks revenge. There is literally an entire genre of big-budget Hollywood films about how you should not, under any circumstances, do exactly that.

Oh, and one more little aside here in this video: Jules wants to know more about his sexuality. Jules wants you to explain it to him. He wants to explore his sexual nature. With you.

We know that you might be a little creeped out about being hit on by a robot and you probably want nothing more than to get the hell out of there, but just remember: "If you treat Jules poorly, it may not be nice to you."

Actroid

The Actroid was designed to serve as a receptionist and an information booth attendant. She has an intensive AI geared towards question-and-answer sessions and resembles an attractive go-go dancer from outer space because, you know, she was designed by a Japanese guy.

She's primarily used for Japanese science and robotics conventions, and knows over 40,000 phrases in each of four different languages. She can respond 2,000 different ways to an infinite variety of questions which, because she's mostly at science and robotics conventions, have thus far only consisted of "Are you anatomically correct?" "Will you have sex with me?" "Can you have sex with people?" and finally "What about just handjobs?"

Why It's So, So Creepy

The Actroid is fairly tame on the creepy scale ... just as long as she remains immobile. She kind of resembles a high-end wax figurine of a big-boned Caucasian transvestite utterly failing to pass as a cute Asian girl, and that's not so bad. It's when she starts moving that you get both barrels of the Uncanny Shotgun:

The disturbingly fluid movements punctuated by the jarring stops, the bizarre, puppet-like posturing and a facial expression that says, "I'm a hip, young, urban professional that hungers for the lives of your babies," creep us out exponentially.

And that's all before she starts rapping. Yes, apparently, she raps. Because everybody knows that sudden, unexpected free-styling in casual social situations is a surefire way to set even the most anxious soul at ease.

We honestly don't know what could possibly make us more uncomfortable than an Asian girl poorly rapping in response to an innocent question, but Japan does: An Asian tranny robot that looks like it want to eat human children in response to an innocent question.

#2.

WD-2

WD-2 is a shape-shifting "Face-Bot" meant to simulate the subtle intricacies and nuances of human facial expressions. It operates under the theory that there are 17 key points of mobility in the human face, and that by lending greater versatility to these points, a robot can perfectly mimic the ever-changing expressions of the human face without appearing unnatural or disconcerting. The robot provokes a more human level of interaction by "driving a motorized shaft into the face and twisting at the desired point to create a convincing emotional response."

One can only hope, desperately, that they mean the shaft is driven into the robot's face, and not yours.

Why It's So, So Creepy

Watching a convincing mock-up of a human face shift bone structure, shape and size rapidly totally puts us at ease. It looks like there are dozens of small creatures burrowing just beneath its skin, and it couldn't be happier about it!

In addition to its unsettlingly convincing facial expressions, the WD-2 also features cold, dead eye-sockets, a sickly, inhuman paleness, and just a bit of a knowing smirk. For other examples of things sporting these features, please see every supernatural villain ever created:

But it actually gets worse from here! You see, the WD-2 not only mimics facial expressions, it also mimics specific faces. There is a 3-D scanner and projector located in the rear of the machine that copies the texture, skin tone and even hair style of people watching it. This data is then projected onto the face up front, which has since reconfigured itself to match the overall shape of your head.

After this process, the robot can then match your every movement on the fly--while speaking, laughing, yelling--anything. To put it more succinctly:

THIS ROBOT STEALS YOUR FUCKING FACE.

#1.

CB2

The CB2 is another project developed by the human-hating Professor Ishiguro at the Science and Technology Department of Japan's Osaka University. It's a 4-foot-tall, 100-pound baby with the physical and intellectual abilities of a 2-year-old. It was built with cameras for sight, microphones and speakers for speech and hearing, and over 200 tactile sensors to simulate a sense of touch and feeling. It was designed to ... facilitate human understanding ... of ... no, come on, what the fuck could this thing possibly be designed for?

There are zero practical uses, and the only thing it can teach you is acute horror. This robot was designed to say only one thing: Fuck you rest of the civilized world, love Japan.

Why It's So, So Creepy

It's a giant baby with the power of a robot.

Every single letter of that sentence is horrific. It looks like you defrosted a frozen infant in the microwave and then forgot about it for a few days. It has disproportionately giant, black eyes, like a shark. It has gray, baggy skin that hangs flaccidly from its bulging form, like a decomposing corpse.

It speaks in a cooing, infantile voice, asking you for love and attention and thanks to its advanced tactile, audio and visual sensors, it can stumble across the room after you if you don't respond. And here's Professor Ishiguro's research assistant, poking it in the Goddamn face again.

Listen, kid, we know you're probably an unpaid intern just trying to get some kicks out of an otherwise shitty situation, but could you just stop provoking the terrifying robots?

These things are built to respond to outside stimuli, and you do nothing but piss them off all day. If you don't heed our advice right quick, you may find yourself standing in a darkened lab, the other assistants having long since left for the day. The fluorescent lights in the hallway spill a wan illumination across the tile floors. You've forgotten your keys--again. You've been particularly absent minded lately. A blue light shines in the darkness. Ah, you've even forgotten to shut off the robots! You start towards the light, making your way by feel in the pale dusk of the dim office, but the light is gone. Or no ... it's just off to the left now. You locked the robots in the supply cage, didn't you? The light is closer now. You make out a form in the darkness, small and indistinct.

"Daddy," it coos. "Love me!"

Oh, it's just the CB2. You must've left the latch open. You really need to start getting more sleep.

"CB2, deactivate." Your voice seems unusually flat in this empty room.

"Daddy, love me!" It takes another staggering step forward.

"CB2 ... deactivate!" What's going on? Is the voice recognition software failing?

"Daddy ... LOVE ME!" The steps are quickening now, you turn to back away but another silhouette blocks the door behind you.

"Who's there? Oh! Professor, thank God! I think something's wrong with the CB2! Professor? Profe--"

"Oh no! No! This ... this can't be happening!"

"Stay back! Please, stay back! NO! NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

...

"A-ow ... ow, hey! Fuck! Ah, ow, stop! Stop, ow, quit ... QUIT POKING MY FACE!"

The Horror of Horrors

2009-05-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a while coming since i last saw a purely good horror movie that has truly scared the living daylights out of me. Gone were the days where this genre has actually proven anything of scare effective quality. The only truly good horror movies out there came during the golden age of cinema in Hollywood which was back in the 70s, with movies like Rosemary's Baby, The Exorcist, The Shining, Carrie and then the occasional flukes like The Poltergeist. The japanese horror films were pretty good like The Ring and Ju-On but their Hollywood counterparts failed to deliver on all levels. I have never been thoroughly scared as of yet, but last year's The Mist did just that. It freaked the bejesus out of me. It sorta reminded me of the old horror films of the 70s. Took me back to how a real good horror fest should work.

Slasher movies never did it for me. Friday the 13th, Halloween and so on were just childish and stupid and they never pushed the psychological scare value. Gore and blood never did the trick. Child's Play was fun though. The tale about the demon doll from hell was actually entertaining and it did give me scares when i was a kid, because hey i was a kid, and i had toys, so imagining having your toys attacking you was never a pleasant thought. But right now, at the current state of the way films are going, its just purely shit. The originality in story is just outright ridiculous and laughable.

Enter Stage Right, Humpty Dumpty.

You know someone has been smoking too much drugs when they actually come up with an idea for a horror movie called Humpty Dumpty.

Yes, y'all remember Humpty Dumpty right? The egg shell looking jerk off that sat on a wall and broke his fall and the soldiers had to piece 'em back together. Yeah yeah you all know it and Hollywood being typical and cheap, makes use of that kiddy nursery rhyme to churn out their own pile of shit droppings called Humpty Dumpty : The Demon Slasher Eggroll man from Hell.

Hey don't take my word for it..check the posters!

See what i mean? Would i take a movie seriously if it's called Humpty Dumpty?

Never.

Would i pay my money to watch a movie called Humpty Dumpty?

Never.

Would i actually find a movie called Humpty Dumpty as a Horror movie?

Never.

Would i get drunk one day and download this pile of trash online and laugh at it while i drink some more alcohol and proceed to vomit on the screen as the demon eggshell called Humpty Dumpty continues on his slasher spree of murdering young teenage girls?

Yes. Cause that's all it's worth to me. Time wasted while i get drunk.

This must have been the inspiration for the retarded movie. Humpty Dumpty high on Crack

A Wave Took My Bikini Top Clean Off

2009-05-14T09:12:00.000-07:00

I'd Like To Thank That Wave. An Act of God.

Star Trek : The Rebirth of Sci-Fi

2009-05-14T08:23:00.000-07:00

I'm a big big fan of the original Star Wars trilogy like A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back and The Return of the Jedi. Those were just classics right until George Lucas single handedly raped his own franchise by churning out the disastrous prequels with the tale of how Darth Vader came into power. Before that i saw Darth Vader as the ultimate bad ass, he was just the biggest villain of all time. After the new prequels came out with how Anakin Skywalker turned to the dark side, the level of execution was so poor, it officiated the death of a beloved franchise.

Star Trek was never my thing. I was never a fan and i never got it. Nothing about it was organic enough to compell me and the characters always seemed too squeaky clean. I have although heard a lot of good things from one of the particular movies from the franchise called Star Trek : The Wrath of Khan which came out back in the seventies. Apparently the villain was a punjabi sikh guy...no seriously..he was, and his name was Khan Noonien Singh... Anyways you can trust Americans to screw around with cultural heritage but it didn't matter, the movie was bad ass. I watched it and that was the only reason why i believed that okay...maybe there is some redeeming factor about this Star Trek thing. However, everything else about Star Trek was just so horrible. The quality of the stories was never as fascinating as it should be and the pacing for every single damn film that followed right through after that...was incredibly tedious and precarious and it would leave non-fans who never really follow the series bewildered at how ridiculously boring the plot lines are.

Then comes the reboot version of it. What if Star Trek was to go back to it's original roots and start over? Like how Batman was rebooted with Batman Begins. The franchise sky rocketted from the days of the horrible Joel Shumacher movies where you had Arnold Shwarzenegger playing a guy in a metal suit shooting ice balls, to Heath Ledger playing the most legendary role of his life as the Joker. It worked. It was a success. So why not do the same with Star Trek. Revive the old dying beast and make it work. And this time, make it work for the masses. Not just for the old die hard fans. but for everyone.

And trust me friends, this is a movie for everyone. It is a bleeding success.

I went in thinking, okay i have no expectations for this movie. The trailer looks awesome, very well done, and it's perfect to sell a film. But would it work? No expectations. I wasn't a fan so i never put any hopes up.

Things flipped 180 degrees after the next 2 hours of stepping into the cinema.

It was the same feeling i had when i watched Star Wars : A New Hope for the first time.

It was a fleeting excitement of insane euphoria.

I was blown away and was convinced that this franchise has finally reached the stratosphere of success.

This is a labour of love that paid off for everyone. Non believers like myself will come out loving this because everything about it is brilliant. The characters are written so well with great detail that you fall in love with them for all the right reasons. And it appeals to everyone. Everyone here does a great job with the show and J.J. Abrams is the genius director that led them on. It was one helluva entertaining ride, it paid homage to the series and the execution, was of pristine quality.

But the real hero that carries the back bone of the story? Chris Pine. If this guy did not pull it off, everything would fall. He was the Atlas carrying the Star Trek franchise on his back and he was so cool, calm and collected, he is officially the new Han Solo of this franchise. Remember how cool Han Solo was in Star Wars? He was funny, he was an amazing hero and he was just so damn smooth with the ladies. Chris Pine playing James Tiberius Kirk is Star Trek's Han Solo. The ladies love him, the guys admire him, and he is just bad ass all over, and i salute him for that.
Spock was pretty cool too, played with a lot of sincerity by Zachary Quinto of the Heroes franchise ( remember Skylar? ) and you'll love him too.

In short, this is the reason to fall in love with Sci-fi films again. Theres a lot of mainstream shit thats being passed around in cinemas, the love for Sci-fi is dying. This revives it. This is our new Star Wars. What the Star Wars prequel film did by destroying their franchise, the new Star Trek revives. And never ever would i have ever found myself to say this, but i am now a brand new Trekkie fan. Thats how awesome this movie is. Everyone becomes a fan after this movie. The rating on RottenTomatoes is currently at a standing of 96 %. Thats NINETY SIX PERCENT of all the top reviewers in North America and around the globe who find the new Star Trek to be of excellent quality. Hell, even last year's The Dark Knight got 94%, which is amazing, but 96 % still trumps it down. So go catch it in the cinemas if you can, cause there wont be any other experience like this for a very long time.

On a separate note, if you're a die hard Star Wars fan you'd see a lot of similar resemblance between this movie and the classic Star Wars : A New Hope. The plot lines is very much similar to the other classic. Why? Cause the director of this film was himself a Star Wars fan, so he thought of gelling that idea to revive Star Trek. A nice combination for two rival franchises with their own fanbases. Brilliant. Here's a funny video but nevertheless insightful which gives a little overview of the two movies.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Live Long & Prosper. I'm outta here.

Sometimes, the only thing worth saying is WTF

2009-05-13T19:36:00.000-07:00

Mommy, Why Is That Elephant Riding the Other Elephant?

When Things Just Don't Quite Go Your Way

2009-05-12T20:30:00.000-07:00

All you can really say at that point is OMFG

8 Stages of Alcohol Consumption : The No Bullshit Stages of Drunkards

2009-05-06T05:38:00.000-07:00

During the course of a night out on the town, a person likes to have a drink, or twenty. And on that voyage, there are some very clear stages you pass through. I've decided to outline them for you, so that you could monitor where you're at during the night. This is after years of self research that I have conducted on my own and its fair to say, it's my best research as of yet. Read, absorb and enjoy.

Stage 1: “I Could Go For A Few Beers”

You’ve decided to start the night off right by kicking back a few brews with your friends and relaxing a little. You take the opportunity to catch up on the events of the day, and kill the time until the alcohol kicks in. A hilarious discussion about a topical viral video that everyone watched at work today will kill most of that time, and you also brought up “this crazy episode of House/LOST/ Heroes/ or Your Favorite Movie of the Week” that you watched earlier in the week, which all of your friends agree was “really crazy” or "really stupid." You and your buddies will waste time with sighs, awkward silences, and funny stories about your youthful days or stare into empty space until the booze goes to work.

Stage 2: “This Beer Tastes Awesome”

By now, the alcohol has started to soak into your blood stream. You’re feeling relaxed, loose, and comfortable. It's smooth, it's light and you feel sexy. Most importantly, that beer you’re drinking has changed. Twenty minutes ago, you almost had to choke it down, but now it tastes absolutely delicious. In fact, you’re pretty sure the bartender did something different to it to make it so delicious. Like he had a leprechaun concoct some magic formula to make the beer so damn mouth watering. So how do you get more beer? Well, since one of your buddies is already up at the bar, you can just yell at him to get you another! It’ll save you the walk over there, and the other people in the crowded bar won’t mind you yelling your friend’s name over and over. In fact, you don’t even have to use words, once you get his attention. Just point at your glass, then point at him, and raise your eyebrows. If he doesn’t understand, just do the same thing again, but really accentuate the gestures more. If he still doesn’t get it, just start yelling really loudly at him again and again. Whatever you do, don’t just walk across the bar and get it yourself. That would be a waste of time!

Stage 3: “We’re All Doing Shots!”

The only people who would willingly swallow a disgusting liquid and then say “oh yeeeeeeaaaah!” afterwards are drunk people and porn stars. And both usually have a high percentage of ending their night with something stuck in their asshole. During this stage, you usually put your arms around people and say things like “This guy right here…this fuggin guy…this is the guy, right here…” but never actually say anything about that guy. And since no one ever wants to do shots alone, what usually happens is you try and rally your friends to do it by giving them a speech like it’s half time of the World Cup and the team you're rooting for ain't doing too well, so you give motivational pep talks like “Come on you guys. Let’s fuckking do this! I’m tired of you guys sitting around being fuckking pussies! You need to step this shit up! Let's Make This The Last Night Of Our Live's, WE'RE FUCKING LEGENDS"... and thus rolls in the drinks...

Stage 4: “A Grizzly Bear Would Kick A Gorilla’s Ass In A Fight.”

Drunk people are like Simon Cowell on drugs, they have a ton of opinions, and they think if they yell them loud enough, it makes them right. At this point in the night, you’re feeling pretty confident with yourself, and pretty much anything anyone says or does will cause you to start an argument. You basically become a woman on her period, except less bloated. Then you force everyone to take a side in some made up argument like, “Would you rather get a blowjob from a dude, or get boned in the ass by a girl wearing a strap-on?” or " If you were gay which dude would you fuck?" or "Which one of our moms would you bang?"

Stage 5: “I Am Going To Drink All The Time Every Day Forever.”

Right now you have no idea why you haven't spent your entire life drinking because DRINKING IS TOTALLY AWESOME. Everything rules. All those stupid little problems you had earlier in the day don't matter. In fact, you can't even remember what they were because THIS SONG ON THE JUKEBOX IS THE GREATEST SONG YOU'VE EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE! Holy shit this is an epic night. You realize how much you really, truly love your friends and, starting tomorrow, you're totally going to start on all those plans you were talking about the last time you went out drinking. Like reading that book you always wanted to read but never got to reading, and writing that screenplay and going to the gym five days a week. You're life is going to be different from now on. You're a new man who's going to get shit done. But first, let's get another round and PUT THAT SAME SONG ON THE JUKEBOX AGAIN. In fact, this song is so good, you're going to play this song five times in a row, just so everyone in this bar understands how AWESOMELY EPIC THIS SONG IS. Drinking rules.

Stage 6: “Your Face Is A Stupid Face.”

At this point, you’re “totally fun night out with your friends” turns a corner to become a “dark journey into the recesses of your mind.” You feel the need to voice (loudly) all the problems you have with your friends. You feel it is your duty to bring up anything from an old pal’s tendency to always be late, to a friend’s inability to deal with a childhood molestation. So you climb up on your high horse and find fault with everyone at the table except yourself. Then come the horrible impressions of your friends that just consist of "Hey check me out, I'm mike and I think of other chicks when I'm doing my girlfriend!" meanwhile Mike is standing next to his girlfriend. And when someone tells you to A) Chill out or B) Shut the fuck up, you can only respond with petty, verbal attacks that make fun of your friend’s hair/clothes/face. You will spend many hours of the next day saying things like, “Uhh, hey man, I think I said a few things that…ya know, maybe I shouldn’t have. I was pretty bombed. We’re cool, right?”

Stage 7: “This Sidewalk Is Having Some Problems”

For obvious reasons, the night usually comes to a close after Stage 6. So, on your way home, fully blacked out, you realize that pouring buckets of alcohol into your face for seven straight hours actually does have an affect on your ability to stand, walk, and move your limbs. Staggering home to your bed becomes your main focus, but for some reason you find yourself stopping to tell random passersby your thoughts, which consist mainly of, “Whoooooo! The (Insert Favorite Sports Team) are totally gonna WHOOOOO!” Then you usually fall down into someone’s yard and offer a policeman a beer.

Stage 8: “Your…Pudgerdugffffgjjjj…Tell You Some…Farderschmard?”

During this final stage, everything that comes out of your mouth sounds like a cross between George W Bush and Kurt Cobain (after he blew his head off.) You will have no recollection of what you do at this point, but you will stumble around your house eating whatever stale snack foods you have in your cupboard and then fall asleep on your couch while trying to masturbate to late-night infomercials. The next day you will wake up with a dry mouth, a splitting headache and an extremely flaccid penis in your hand (thankfully it’s your own.) and realise you can't pee straight.

Puberty is a Funny Thing

2009-05-06T05:10:00.000-07:00

Ever wondered how it was when you first hit Puberty? For the girls i guessed your boobs just got bigger and you began to grow hair in all the weirdest areas and blood started oozing out of your "you know where" like some horror film on steroids. Well i'm just guessing because i never was a young girl.

But for boys it's pretty much the same. It's weird, it's funny and scary at the same time and you get extra paranoid about everything and anything. I was having a chat about this with some friends and we all agreed that it was an experience of sorts when we first hit Puberty. It's once in your life time and that jizz factor is a moment that would live on in every man's hearts as long as he lives. And now, i shall share with you the single most defining moment for every young boy out there...

THE INNER MONOLOGUE OF A 12 YEAR OLD MOMENTS AFTER HIS FIRST WET DREAM

What the-? What’s going – am I awake? Why is my crotch cold? Oh no, I pissed myself. Jesus, I thought I was done with that. Wait a - hmm, this is sticky and it's white...but i don't remember bringing mayonnaise into the room.. Did I forget that I hid chocolate in the bed or some- OH SHIT. WET DREAM WET DREAM. Okay, don’t panic. Just have to think this out. I’m on my back, so that means none of it have touched the bed. This is strictly an underwear problem. No, wait, my back is wet. Maybe it’s sweat. Ewww, not sweat. Okay, what time is it? 3 a.m. Hmmm, maybe I can wash it off the sheets, and by the time I wake up in the morning it’ll be dry and my parents will never know. Does it dry? Tommy says it gets crunchy like a pringle chip.Pringle chips don’t dry!! I should pack pringle chips in my lunch tomorrow, they’re delicious.WAIT WHAT AM I DOING!! FOCUS DAMMIT! Alright, first things first, I need to find a place I can hide this underwear, where no one will ever find them. Ever. Outside behind the bushes in the backyard!

Yes. I’ll just wad them into a ball, and then I’ll throw them there. Okay, here we go. Underwear off, very veeeeery quietly lifting my body out of bed and shit! My bed creaked! Lie back in bed still! Lie back in bed still! Holy shit that was close. My parents easily could have heard my bed slightly creak from down the hall while watching tv! Okay, let’s try this again. Slowly out of bed, light on the toes, light on the toes. Geeeeently open my door, remember not to breath loud. Down the hall, and yes, to the back door. Wait, did I hear something? Was that coming from my parents room? Shit! It’s gone now. I’m just hearing things. Man, it’s dark in the back yard. I’m not going out there. I could be killed by several things out there.

Okay, in one motion, I’m going to take my underwear off, open the back door, and then hurl the underwear out there, then close the door. If I pull this off, holy shit. This will be something else. I know i'll be safe if the underwear reaches the backyard. Once it's there it's outside and not in the house and mom and dad will never know it's mine because it's not in the house! Sure i might be the only kid with tight little whiteys but hey it's out of the house and i could say that someone could have thrown a cum stained underwear into our backyard! Thats it! I'm safe!

Okay so on the count of three. One, two, three! Underwear off, back door open and – OH FUCK IT’S DAD HE WASN”T ASLEEP. This is very very awkward.

DAD : Son did you just throw your underwear at me?
SON : I thought it was attacking me.
DAD : ................................*silence*.......................................

Adam Lambert : Do i really Care if He's Gay?

2009-04-26T06:24:00.000-07:00

You know i find it ridiculous that everyone jibes about the perspective of one's sexuality. I personally do not care if you're gay or straight or a little bit of both worlds. If you're a nice person and you're good at what you do, i'm happy for you and i wouldn't mind at all being your friend. Seriously.

I may make gay jokes and i may poke fun at taking it up the ass, but that does not mean i hate gay people. That might be the most hypocritical thing for me to say as of yet, but it's the truth. I love making gay jokes, everything ranging from the outright ridiculous to the extremely distasteful, i am the king of gay jokes. If you take it up the ass, i will make fun of you, i shit you not. But that does not mean i hate you.

Yeah all the gay people now are going to be up in arms, and say im the biggest fucker in the world for being a hypocrite but no you've got it all wrong.

For instance, i think gay people in general are very sensitive individuals; Gay guys can be extremely overzealous though, and they can be the biggest drama queens in the world, but yet, when it comes to getting work done, their the fussiest of the lot, and they always ( well most of the time anyways ) do a fantastic job. I shit you not, that is a fact.

For gay women, they can connect to men better on a friend level. You know the kind that does not involve sexual lusts or physical attraction to the more bruter sex. They can relate to how a guy feels and trust me, gay women are the coolest of the bunch. Their chilled out and their the only kinds of best friend a guy could get with. Because believe you me, there is no such thing as a guy and a girl being BEST FRIENDS. It's utter bullshit. If a guy comes up to you and introduces you to a chick he proclaims to be his best friend, you can smell bullshit filling up your nostrils because hey it is what it is. Theres no way a guy could be best friends with a girl without dirty thoughts running through his head or if we were to make this more innocent, a certain level of attraction to his so called best friend. Theres no way in hell that would ever happen if your best friend who happens to be a girl however, turns out to be GAY. If THAT was the case, then YES i would believe you because:

A) She is GAY
B) She is GAY
C) SHE IS GAY

She isnt attracted to you and never would be and you could never ever possibly hit on her because she would probably kick your ass and plus she's so much more of a guy than you could ever be thus making her able to relate to all your sodding bullshit.

Now, why the fuss over someones sexuality when it comes to talent?

If a person is a fantastic entertainer and is amazing at what he or she does, why the fuck would their sexual preference be an ISSUE? WHY??????

American Idol has been the number one reality show in America for a very long time now. 8 years and counting. They are kicking ass. And this year EVERYONE is talented. Everyone is so god damned good its mind blowing. But theres one guy that sticks out from the rest and this fella's name is Adam Lambert.

Adam Lambfuckin what?

Adam Lambert ladies and gentlemen, that's who. He's an attractive male individual who can sing like a rock star and happens to be....GAY. Well he hasn't actually commented personally on his sexual preference but when pictures as such arise below... You'd obviously assume that he's in love with the cock.

Adam on the Left Sticking Tongue in orifice of another male.

Adam once again in saliva swapping moment

Believe it or not : Adam in extremely uncomfortable lookin .... well i dont know what you call whtever it is he's wearing. Must be a gay thing.

Now all you straight people are probably shifting through the pictures thinking, oh my god disgusting he's so vile and wretched i can't believe he's like that. Well, the one's with the mindset of a pea brain at least would be thinking that. Personally, i do not find any of these pictures offensive. It's his lifestyle. It's not drugs or heroine or brutality to a certain race, it's just him being gay. If Adam was a girl and you saw him doing this...would you say anything? i think not.

Truth be told, Adam Lambert is a fantastic singer. He's a fucking rockstar and if you've seen his performances, you would bow down to him and say he is the new rock god of the new millenium.

I'm a rather hard person to please when it comes to music. I love my good old fashion rock stars of the yesteryear ranging from Kiss to Led Zeppelin to AC/DC to Guns N Roses to Nirvana and so on and so forth. I love em all. But as of lately it's been rather scarce in the rock genre where you could actually find a true blue rock star that reminded you of the golden age where rock stars were in fact legends instead of the pansy shit you get these days; *cough* cough*

Lambert however, is a true formation of being extremely original and extremely fresh with that excessive edge to his vibe. And if you don't believe me check the video of him performing "born to be wild" in the video below. It's a high quality video so it may take a little while to load but the class that comes out of him is smashing... i could almost feel him channeling Guns N Roses's Axl Roses with the high pitched singing.

Born To Be Wild - Adam Lambert - Adam Lambert

So here's my question to all the nay sayers out there... why is everyone giving him shit? They should be proud of him for being able to be true to himself and still come out guns blazing with class and integrity. A measure of a true star is how he gets the job done at the end of the day, not because of personal preferences.

The world is changing for god's sake, who the fuck cares if Adam Lambert is gay, all i care about is him being a fantastic singer and keeping me entertained. And if you guys dont find him entertaining you ought to jump off a cliff or grow the fuck up.

Blue Wonder of the World

2009-04-26T05:09:00.000-07:00

The ocean is a big wonder. It's vast, it's blue, and it seems like it's almost a never ending story aching to be told. It stretches on and on and it's just this big beautiful emptiness which leaves the eye wanting more from what lies beneath its blue wonder. On a calm day, we see the ripples from the waves in the water gelling together to form a glassy surface of beauty and charm. On a rough day, we see storms clashing and waters rising and energy building up to form empires of waves throwing itself on all things that comes it's way... But the funny thing is? Underneath all that anger on the surface of the waters of the ocean, lies complete silence and calmness amongst the life underneath. The rush of anger that exists in a storm or hurling winds against the ocean only exists on the surface, but yet underneath it, is the beautiful calm of the underwater world.

Theres a whole different feeling when you're out there in a boat, in the middle of the ocean, and there isn't a soul in sight except for you and the crew. You find yourself to be so very small. Insignificant in fact; and then you find yourself in a very humbled position to believe, that theres so much more out there in the world, than ourselves. You respect life itself, and you see things in a much more different light altogether, and when it hits you, this aching warmth fills up your heart and it grabs you and moves you into an intoxicating choking motion to the point that you cant breathe and it's hard to inhale or exhale and you believe.....

...you believe...

You believe...that sometimes, it's better to just let go of all the problems that we face and to be at peace with the worries in our head...and appreciate instead every single beautiful day we have on this earth, because theres so much more to life, than to be worried about every single detail. It's better to let go, and live on, and appreciate the moment of beauty we share together on this beautiful blue planet, we call our Earth.

I had an epiphany today when i was watching a documentary on Blue Whales. The National Geographic channel always does wonders with their documentaries, but this particular one was extremely touching. They are the biggest animals in the world, weighing 190 metric tonnes, and averaging at about 30 metres in length, they are the biggest living wonders of the world. Bigger than the largest dinosaur, they are the most calmest giants to have embraced our world. They live with absolute tranquility and they move with such grace under the surface of the ocean, it's enchanting. But what really moved me, what really made me feel for these animals, what really filled my heart with warmth,...was the love they shared...

It was moving for me to just take in these beautiful creatures floating like angels in the water; how the mother would gently nudge herself against her young one, and bring forth the baby calf to the ocean surface so it could take its breath of air; and then slowly gliding back into the ocean with one final whip of it's tail, without moving too fast, so the baby blue could catch up..

The gentle music they sung to each other as they traveled along vast areas of ocean, across the pacific moving to the atlantic, could be heard from all sides, despite the level of distance each whale was from the other. It was a calling of communication, so melodious you could almost feel lost, but yet brought them together stronger than ever. It's a very rough journey for a Baby Blue to grow up into what is the biggest animal in the world, but the mother is always there for the child, singing her songs and bringing it up into the world it has yet to face...

These creatures have been on our earth for so long, and they are the gentle giants of the world, and the way they share their love and peace, is wondrous, to say the least. It's very awe inspiring to see such things unfold before your eyes, that we actually live amongst such enchanting creatures. When you take it all in, somehow all our problems become insignificant and meaningless next to these creatures of wonder. Life becomes so much more bigger when you indulge in something more than yourself...

Watch this video, it's only 2 minutes; it is absolutely Beautiful... It's always nice to educate ourselves in such ways. It's extremely humbling.

Once in Awhile, You Just get Shat On.

2009-03-31T02:47:00.000-07:00

So i just did a post a couple of days ago about my dog getting shat on by a rottweiler and so happened a few days later today, i found a nice little picture of something sassy.

Big Momma Elephant shits on it's own baby. Well sometimes, we all just get shat on, it's life, and hey even your parents give you shit. Literally.

World's Most Disgusting Apartments

2009-03-31T02:36:00.000-07:00

When you're living alone finally away from the family, it almost feels like a liberation. You get to do whatever you want, and no one is gonna tell you to clean up after yourselves.

Dishes not cleaned yet? Fuck That. You're Independent.

Bed not yet done? Fuck That. You're Independent.

Floor not vacuumed? Fuck That. You're Independent.

You haven't taken a shower for 3 days? Fuck That. You're Independent.

Toilet not flushed and full of shit ,urine and grime? Fuck That. You're Independent.

Yes..it is liberating that there's no one to tell you what to do. But sometimes, being too liberating can be a huge, huge mess factor when it comes to living on your own. Just cause you aint got nobody to cry after you to clean up don't mean you gotta be the biggest living cretin in the world and leave a steaming pile of shit in the middle of your hallway. Here's a look at the supposedly world's worst apartment of a young single woman... YES it is a woman who lived in this shit hole. Who says women are cleaner than men....

Bullshit.

When your apartment gets to this point, I wonder if you even bother shitting in the toilet, or anywhere near the bathroom, for that matter. The moment you feel a dump coming on, do you just drop your pants, squat down and start squeezing no matter where you are in the apartment? I'm also assuming you don't wipe if you're willing to live in this, too. According to Houston-Imports.com:

This has nothing to do with the Hurricane. We had a resident who had an outstanding balance for over a month and no one could get ahold of her. The Bookkeeper went inside after so many tries to leave a note and this is what we found.

The pictures do NO justice. There is suppose to be 2 cats living here but we cant find them (we think they're dead somewhere inside the apartment-we contacted the SPCA). The place REEKS to say the least, i gagged non stop.

And while that one was pretty filthy, this home in New Jersey was full of 100 cats. And cats are really good at shitting. According to CBS:

Nearly 100 cats and one dog were found Thursday living in a home in a million-dollar neighborhood in Morris County.

"The conditions were absolutely horrific - there wasn't one inch of the house that wasn't covered in feces or urine," SPCA Lt. Rick Yocum says. "There were three foot piles of feces in the hallways."

"These people are not horrible people - their lifestyle went out of control," Yocum says. "She's obviously a hoarder."

How do cats, which are usually only a foot high, manage to create a pile of their own shit that's three times as tall as they are? That makes no sense at all. Maybe these are some kind of genius architectural cats. Or maybe the owners are hoarding cat shit. Either way, here are a few photos of this awesome house.

I wonder where she sleeps? Beside the steaming pile of shit next to her sofa perhaps?

1 900 Numbers. True Classic Fun.

2009-03-31T02:25:00.000-07:00

The internet has changed the face of the world, and made that face full of porno and awesomeness. But, with the invention of the internet came the death of a few really awesome things. Most notably, the late night commercial for 1-900 numbers. This was huge in America and it was one of those things bored people at home would use to dial for cheap entertainment.

Most of these consisted of shit like you see above; a shitty sax solo followed by some spokes girl who clearly came out to Hollywood to be an actress, then six months and several handjobs later, took this gig. In this commercial, it's as if the director said "Okay, when I call action, I want you to turn towards the camera like someone has just challenged you to see who could shit their pants fastest, but what they don't know is....you've already shit your pants."

But porn wasn't the only thing that a 900 number could access in the pre-internet world. With your parents' permission and a dollar per minute, a person could access nearly anything their heart desired, from Nintendo tips to quick one-line insults. Sometimes you'd even have to call a 900 number just to figure out what the hell it was. Take "Freddy Freaker", for example:

First of all, Freddy Freaker dances like he's a 78 year old man at a wedding. Secondly, if you were high and this commercial came on, there is absolutely NO WAY you couldn't call that number. It is a must. Now you at least have You Tube.

In it's heyday, the 900 number could cater to any need. Sure, most of the time that need was an insatiable urge to masturbate to the sound of a fat housewife pretending to be a hot coed, but sometimes you just want to talk to a real live ghost and/or zombie. Well, 900 numbers were there for you:

What's that, Guy-with-a-fetish-for-hearing-women-confess-terrible-things-

that-they've-done? You don't think there was a 900 number specifically for you? Well, think again:

But today the internet has taken these awesomely hilarious commercials and made websites for them. If you need to jack off, you don't stay up until one in the morning watching Police Academy 4 in hopes one of these commercials will run. You just type in what ever gives you a boner, and there's a site for it. But unfortunately, that means the rest of us don't get to watch these commercials. Instead, the commercials have morphed into shit like this:

What the f*&k was that? Why was she fully clothed? Why is nothing about this commercial remotely sexy or hilarious? There's no saxaphone solo, instead there's some song that sounds like something they'd play during a montage from Family Matters where they all band together to rebuild the garage that Urkel accidentally drove his car through while Karl was gone. Late night commercials used to be something you could jerk off to, or laugh hysterically at, but the internet has eliminated the need for sexual encounters via phone and now all we're left with is the opportunity to call a fully clothed girl and have her laugh at you for $2.65 a minute. Nice.

When a Dog Sniff's Another's Asshole...

2009-03-26T06:11:00.000-07:00

It's well understood by now that when a dog sniffs another dog's asshole, it means it is saying hello. If it licks the asshole it means it likes the other dog, however, if the dog doesn't sniff the asshole, it means the dog hates the other dog and it would change it's look to that of a growl and scowl and then later proceed to bite the dog's asshole.

True Story.

The day before, i took my sausage, weiner german mutt doggy out for a walk. It had been a good 5 days since it's last walk, and all the shit and urine around the house compound did not leave a pretty sight with my mom when visitors came over the other day. It was sorta like a really bad horror slasher movie where the girl gasps in horror with a sort of overreacted look on her face...yeah that's the look the visitors gave when one of them accidently stepped on some poo.. so yeah my pup, Ginger, had to be taken out, so i took her out like the obedient master that i am...wait that sounded wrong..

GINGER : My amazing German Weiner Sausage Mutt

Anyways, took Ginger out, she ran around going in circles, and then she headed straight to the park. She finds a nice tree, pisses right on it, then moves on to some bushes smells it and underneath the bushes she finds a nice pile of turd which has been baking in the sun for ...oh for maybe like half a day or so?

So you could imagine the god awful stench that was coming from it...BUT yet Ginger felt it was necessary to sniff the aroma coming from it, she sniffs and sniffles and then gives off a little sneeze, then she approaches the poo like it's some new found victim, and she opens her mouth half wide, and proceeds to LICK....right before i stop it

One tug and ginger was away from it.

Thank god i didnt have to wipe feces off it's face that day.... or so i thought...

I tugged on Ginger and i pulled her to the next park or field or "padang" as we like to call it in Malaysia...well yes its not exactly a park its more like a shitty green patch with some beaten down swings and slides which the people around would like to acknowledge as a play grounnd.

ANYWAYS...i tugg Ginger along to the next padang and i let her loose, because i became tired and i was lazy and she's a small tiny bugger and i think i could manage a small tiny bugger.

She roams around as i sit down listening to some music on my ipod. Ginger runs and scoots, and in comes a big fat chinese man. Big fat chinese man is carrying big fat rottweiler about the size of a small truck. Big rottweiler smells Ginger. Ginger smells Rottweiler. Ginger goes up to Rottweiler. Rottweiler stares blankly at Ginger with beady little eyes in wonder.

I assume..oh hey Ginger is gonna go up to asshole and smell asshole and say hello to Rottweiler. Chinese man assumes the same i suppose because he doesn't do anything as Ginger approaches his rottweiler because there didn't seem to be any hostilities.

Hmmmm could this be puppy love?

Ginger moves in on the big ass mutt who was HUGE by the way and then proceeds to smell the asshole of the Rottweiler.

*sniff*

*sniff*

Big ass rottweiler sits on my Ginger.

- end game -

Ginger was pinned between Rottweiler's asshole and the ground. Rottweiler proceeds to take a shit on Ginger. Cool. Calm. Collected.

Chinese Man is screaming at his dog.

" AIYAAAAAAA HENRYYYYYYYYY WHAT AH YOU DOINGGGGGGGGGGGG"

I just go....
" oh....my....god..." with an epic fail look on my face...

And this wasn't some dribble shit that you get...no it's none of those baby rabbit droppings. We're talking a full blown submarine attack here...Ginger got the works. This was straight up japanese porno shitzu style. An angry torrent of shit just started covering my dog from back to front, from nostril to ass like an out of control soft serve ice cream machine u get at those McDonalds counters.

Chinese man apologises, i just nod, and i tug Ginger off to home. Visitors were just leaving the house, and once again a loud gasp of horror was struck across their faces as they saw my shit covered mutt barking at them.

Could u imagine a shit puppy barking at you with a smell coming from it so bad that the nose hairs in your nostrils would literally curl up in horror...that was the exact feeling they felt. I swear one of the old aunties were close to fainting and calling God upon her to save her from the disgusting infernal thing called Ginger.

The Ginger needed cleaning. I cleaned her. I smelt like doggy shit the rest of the day. The rest of my dogs were going crazy. They wanted a piece of the action. I whooped their asses. They shut up.

I went up took a shower and the soap was full of shit. I threw the soap away.

My mom shouted at me, my mom shouted at Ginger, my Ginger barked at mom, and then she ran out took a shit outside the house, because it didnt do its shitting when i took her out for a walk that day because it was busy getting shat on... and that was my day.... Zero accomplishment. Once Again.

Brilliant isnt it?

I should make a movie. Ginger and Me. Fuck Marley, she ain't got shit on me. *Pun intended*

Taking Your Cash With A Smile On My Face : The Confidence Man

2009-03-23T04:30:00.000-07:00

A confidence trick is an attempt to defraud a person or a group by gaining their confidence.

That's the textbook definition of it.

It's also referred to as a bunko, con, flim flam, gaffle, grift, hustle, scam, scheme, or swindle.

My definition of it? Taking Your Cash With A Smile On My Face.

Confidence tricks are majorly done by, of course, confidence men. Their real deal people who know what they want, when they want it, and they are by all means..... sociopaths of the first order. They might seem like your average joe; they might be the old woman next door or that dude who delivers your paper, or hey even that friendly ticket boy at your local cinema. But regardless of what shape, form or physicality they might appear in, they all share the same common interest...

They want what you have.

They want it now.

Their gonna come get it.

All of it.

And nothing is going to stop them..

They can mingle and swindle as easy as watching a car crash unfold before your eyes. The end result? You of course sitting in the trashed car, and they running away with the goods with a big fat grin splashed across their gleeful faces.

The complete plan for this to happen , is to FIRST have a person, devoid of completely any moral values, with the highest level of charm and pride; SECOND to have a perfect plan to aid the con; and THIRD, finding a victim to swindle over with ease, style and grace.

The first rule in the players game of being a true blue hustling confidence man, is to possess confidence. He doesn't need to convince you into believing what he has to say... because he already knows your going to believe him irregardless of how ludicrous the offer may sound. He knows your going to buy into it, because the deal is too good to be true, and you want a piece of the action. That's where the scam starts. To enable a confidence trick to float on water, the trick itself has to have support, and in this case, the support is the victim himself.

The most common text book approach of a typical confidence trick is offering you a deal with a reasonable plan, where you have everything to gain and nothing to lose.. or so it seems. You see the point is, you have to put the victim in a position where they feel that, hey this is a fantastic offer and im gonna make a lot of cash. It's one big psychological game. You put them into a mode of comfort, and when they least expect it, you snatch the rug from under their legs, and take what's left and run for the hills. With A Smile On Your Face... but of course.

Every hustle is like a finger print. No two tricks are the same because every single human being has a different way of reacting and circumstances continously change. But irregardless, the formula remains the same. It's like playing poker. You know the rules, but the cards are always different and the hands are always changing. But its your confidence in putting that poker face to play your way out if it, is what makes you a winner. Its the way you play your con. It's the way you hustle. And only a man that's truly confident who knows what he's doing, even when he's falling, is the last one who always comes out victorious.

I admit it, I have an unhealthy fascination with con tricks. Ever since I read David Maurer's "The Big Con" and learned about the American con-men of the early 20th Century, the ingenuity of the conman has fascinated me. What a lot of people may not realise is that we live in the second golden age of the confidence trick. The Internet, in breaking down barriers to international trade, opens up to a new form of "fix" - the means by which the conman prevents the mark from having any comeback once their money has been taken.

In the first golden age, this was done by two main methods: bribery of the local police, and taking the mark away from their home territory, thus depriving them of any local knowledge that may be of assistance to them in tracking down the perpetrators. Indeed this is how the Nigerian 419 scams work these days. The formula for all big cons has essentially remained unchanged for the past hundred years.

Here's a brief look at the typical Nigerian 419 scam that many of you would have most probably seen in your emails or facebooks or what ever social network u might have used.

LAGOS, NIGERIA.

ATTENTION: THE PRESIDENT/CEO

DEAR SIR,

CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL

HAVING CONSULTED WITH MY COLLEAGUES AND BASED ON THE INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE NIGERIAN CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY, I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO REQUEST FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER THE SUM OF $47,500,000.00 (FORTY SEVEN MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS) INTO YOUR ACCOUNTS. THE ABOVE SUM RESULTED FROM AN OVER-INVOICED CONTRACT, EXECUTED COMMISSIONED AND PAID FOR ABOUT FIVE YEARS (5) AGO BY A FOREIGN CONTRACTOR. THIS ACTION WAS HOWEVER INTENTIONAL AND SINCE THEN THE FUND HAS BEEN IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT AT THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA APEX BANK.

WE ARE NOW READY TO TRANSFER THE FUND OVERSEAS AND THAT IS WHERE YOU COME IN. IT IS IMPORTANT TO INFORM YOU THAT AS CIVIL SERVANTS, WE ARE FORBIDDEN TO OPERATE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT; THAT IS WHY WE REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE. THE TOTAL SUM WILL BE SHARED AS FOLLOWS: 70% FOR US, 25% FOR YOU AND 5% FOR LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL EXPENSES INCIDENT TO THE TRANSFER.

THE TRANSFER IS RISK FREE ON BOTH SIDES. I AM AN ACCOUNTANT WITH THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION (NNPC). IF YOU FIND THIS PROPOSAL ACCEPTABLE, WE SHALL REQUIRE THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS:

(A) YOUR BANKER'S NAME, TELEPHONE, ACCOUNT AND FAX NUMBERS.

(B) YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS -- FOR CONFIDENTIALITY AND EASY COMMUNICATION.

(C) YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER STAMPED AND SIGNED.

ALTERNATIVELY WE WILL FURNISH YOU WITH THE TEXT OF WHAT TO TYPE INTO YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER, ALONG WITH A BREAKDOWN EXPLAINING, COMPREHENSIVELY WHAT WE REQUIRE OF YOU. THE BUSINESS WILL TAKE US THIRTY (30) WORKING DAYS TO ACCOMPLISH.

PLEASE REPLY URGENTLY.

BEST REGARDS

It's funny how something as ridiculous as this could still lure people in with their intent for greed on making more money the easier way. I guess it's human nature for people to feel that way, everything seems like a gamble, and if theres an easier way out, they would take it.

So it surprises me sometimes when i open my facebook and i come across such messages which are similar to the nigerian scam but of course, done in Malaysia itself, cause you know the scam is catching on like wild fire. But the funny thing about the Malaysian scams, are its done in such a terrible way, it border on the line of a comedic performance full of unintentional errors.

Here's a perfect example of someone sending me a potential scam plan, but i replied, and well...i was pleasently surprised to find a reply. Very funny. Check it out :

Hello...

Message:

Hey frenz. I would like to share this great business opportunity with you that can earn you $$$USD right here in MALAYSIA!! I'm currently building this business very vigorously and am EARNING well. It's an INTERNATIONAL business opportunity with a combination of e-commerce and networking together. Now the business has gone up to at least 200 COUNTRIES and has roughly about 4 MILLION customers WORLDWIDE and still counting. It’s the FASTEST growing e-commerce company in Asia Pacific. Its an INTERESTING business opportunity and its quite simple and trouble-free as you can do it from any part of the earth. Come join us and don’t miss this genuine opportunity to make a DIFFERENCE in your life and others’, while earning yourself FINANCIAL FREEDOM. An opportunity if you are willing, able and dedicated-to succeed in this business.Its not direct selling!!!

Feel free to reach me at (012-2225574) for more information on the business.

Your future is in your hands. We will help show you the way.

Yours truly,

David Lee

Message : Dear David, do pardon my french, but fuck you very much; if indeed you are currently building a business opportunity where you are " earning very well " and which is an "international success " may i ask in the rudest manner why the fuck are you posting your silly little promotions on facebook? I find it highly silly that a company earning that much would hire you, a single individual to do all the advertising through facebook. Sounds pretty dumb dont you think? You'd at least expect them to spend a couple thousand on the promotion AT LEAST, but yet here you are spamming my fucking inbox with your redundant crap. OH but wait...i made a mistake....its not some company, its YOUR company. YOU david, alone, are building this multinational company and you want ME, who you havent even met, to join on this business venture of a lifetime... Now now david.... dO you think i just got ass fucked last night? Ass fucking is not something i indulge in so why do you wanna do this to me? Why do you wanna ass fuck me David? I dont need to be assfucked, and clearly you're trying to ass fuck me right now David... tsk tsk You want me to make money and i call you and that's it? I must be a fucking genius to believe you. A natural einstein. By the way i just dug some shit and made some shitballs to sell on EBay...would you like to be the fisrt customer David? I think you might like my business venture David! Here's the thing, lets put myself in the most ridiculous circumstance and lets say im the biggest dumb ass in the world, and by some chance i AGREE to what your saying, and then i go on to spam more people on facebook with this stupid shit and ask them to "join the company of a lifetime where i earn lotsa money for merely NOTHING!"... then what David? If you're going to scam someone David, highlight the points... put me in a comfort zone, i dont see you doing that. You having nothing to offer me except the dream of making money with you. I rather whore myself at Chow Kit then take you up on your offer. And no David that wasn't an offer to come and fuck me. So David, im not pissed off that you're trying to scam me, im annoyed that you're trying to bullshit me in the most silliest manner possible. You cant outbullshit a pro bullshitter, and i have a PHD in Bullshitting. I smell bullshit from a mile away. I have bullshit sensors all over me and they light up like the fourth of fucking July. Metaphor David.. i dont expect you to even understand that..but nevermind. IN conclusion David...save your time, save your shit, save your cock, and get a better paying job. Find someone nice, go get laid, and live your days like a better man instead of fucking around with people, i assure you, you might do better. Currently you're one foot in the grave with needle dick Willy whom u assfucked last week. Yes i know about Needle Dick Willy David you fucking cunt. Regards, Abhilash PS : Go Fuck Your Mom.

MESSAGE : Fuck you, bastard. I do this for people who want make some money for their future. Your ego is fuckin big you fucker. You think i bullshit who the fuck you think you are fucker son of fucking prostitue whore. FUCK YOU MAN. you dont want to join that your funeral bastard!!!! who the fuck wants you. you dont know how to talk dont talk. if you think i want tto cheat people then why the fuck i got my picture on this profile you fucker. i got the balls to say things cos i know its true so dont talk so much like you know everything ah fuckerrr. YOUUUU DONT WASTE MY TIME!!!!! AND YOUUU GO FUCK YOUR MOM YOU FUCKING DOG David Lee

MESSAGE : Congratulations David Lee, you are a moron. with lots of love, hugs and kisses, Abhilash Chandra. PS : I did your mom last week

Well it has been awhile since i last wrote that to him, and i havent heard from him yet...so i guess that chapter is closed. Its really funny how his english turns to the typical roadside english when inflicted with anger. Ahhhh Malaysians. We're all the same after all deep down inside. lol.

So i hope you lot out there are much more carefull when approached by sales people who would like to introduce you to certain things where you could make "quick easy cash"... cause hey...there is no such things as quick easy cash, unless you're running the scam.

I'll leave you with one last joke of the day which is sorta like the one i experienced.

Facebook Surfers, The Surf is Definately Down, No High Waves Tonight.

2009-02-23T20:31:00.001-08:00

Seriously.

Facebook is atrociously slow. I don't know if it's Facebook or Malaysia's connection, but with all the redundant shit on it, it's helluva annoying. What in the blazing fuckery is all those random applications? I dont care whos the sexiest guy in the world, i dont care which twilight character you are, i dont care which celebrity u resemble, i dont give a shit about your hatching eggs or your pokes or your stupid little tags.

TAGS.

what. the. cunting. fuck

25 things about me you need to know?

Hell naw. I dont wanna know about the next 25 dumbest things about you. I reaaally dont care. So save your time and STOP TAGGING ME.

I wake up every morning, turn on the internet, click a few pages, and land up on my facebook shortly after, and find 89 notifications. The first is of 5 different individuals tagging me on their crappy little memos and notes that i really dont give a fuck about, and the rest of it is comments on the said tagged shit.

Im being absolutely bitchy and im in my assholic mode rigt now, but honestly, when you have to wake up every day to that shit, it does get annoying so understand where i come from. The past 2 months, was nothing but redundant tags of random pictures not associated with me, and random memos totally unrelated to my life.

And you'd imagine a post on my wall asking people to politely stop tagging would suffice, but nooooooo they go on tagging and clicking and poking and nudging and adding and saving and inviting.

Jesus Christ of all things Unholy.

What the fuck are these people's malfunction????

I swear to god if Facebook was country, there would be genocide. I'd launch a flame thrower up their asses.

Invasion of Privacy you motherfuckers. Leave the mail at the door and get the fuck out. god damn you!!

And the advertising and spam in my inbox. Holy god.

Now reasonable people would come up to me and say, Hey Abhilash, if you don't like it, just delete it, why moan and bitch like a sour asshole cause right now Abhilash, you sound like a sour asshole, and hey no one likes sour assholes.

That's a reasonable arguement ladies and gentlemen and trust me i am a reasonable person. I have done all the said actions, i have deleted and some people i have just completely blocked for the amount of shit they send me for no apparent reason, but yet, the shit still keeps coming in.

It's like when you've cleaned the sewage out of all the waste and feces, and after hours and hours swimming around muck and grime, you're finally done, and less than 6 hours later you find the same shit plagueing your inbox all over again.

It's like the fucking Ebola virus. Once it catches on, it never stops.

Oh well, one can only rant so much so i shall stop.

Oh and it takes FOREVER to reload pictures on Facebook, but i'll save that for another session.
Pfft

Ladies And Gentlemen, Big Cock is Back

2009-02-23T19:50:00.001-08:00

Big cock is back.

Not exactly a line you'd here at a family gathering but that's what happened at my friend's gathering. Old uncles and aunties having their usual chit chats and gossips of what's going on with the family, dads and moms trying their best to get their little kids in line without creating a scene by shushing them up with a stern look upon their faces without making it too damn obvious but failing miserably of course, and cousins hitting the drinks but trying their best not to smell too intoxicated or look too bugged out, and me the out of place friend who just happened to be invited by my mate who happens to feel like a stranger in his own family.

And of course it's always a must that each family have one big weirdo who just adds that bit of spice in the concoction of family ties. That one misplaced dipshit who always comes and zests things up. Sorta like a needed asshole who is naturally disliked by all but accepted nonetheless, because blood is thicker than water any day.

And in comes my friend's uncle, this loner guy with a crew cut and sporting a semi shaven face, and a rather whacky look. His eyes look rather stoned and as he comes hammering into the house, everyone literally pauses to notice him...

*silence*

He doesn't even acknowledge the crowd of spectators. He heads on right to the bar, where the cousins are at, fixes a tall glass of a triple shot jack daniels and coke, takes one big gulp out of it, looks around, his face twitches and a smile suddenly emerges from that big gaping hole in his face. And the first words he exclaims out loud..

" Ladies and Gentlemen, Big Cock is Back! "

Mixed reactions all over.

Cousins roar with laughter and glee, uncles scoff at him and the aunts give their bitchiest looks ever. And my friend?...he just turns to me and says... " well there you have it...my family, do you get it now? Why i invited you? "

I just laugh and pat his back.

It's a funny thing how individuals cant relate to their own blood ties, and how some outsiders could connect with them the most. But we never really truly appreciate family right until the point we're down in the gutter. Sometimes we loathe them, sometimes we love them, sometimes we just wish to not be related to them, but at the end of it all, it's that difference which brings us all together in the end.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.

Sound familiar?

I suppose it does, but there's one bleeping mistake about that line. If you do have family that truly cares for you irregardless of all the shit mistakes you make, and all the problems you cause, you know at the end of it all, you don't have to end up crying alone.

That's the beauty of it all.

It's a big game of give and take. You can't of course be taking all the time. It works hand in hand, and it has to fit perfectly like a glove in the hand.

That's why Big Cock is tolerated. Because he is loved, and he is appreciated, and he has his family, even when they feel his the biggest dumbass of the lot of them.

Big Cock is family.

I'd Like A Nice Cup of Rags To Riches Please?

2009-02-18T07:27:00.001-08:00

Rags to Riches.

Everyone loves an underdog tale. Well maybe not everyone.

Some rather be grounded in the real world and to those some, the real world is a shitty place where poor people never make it and the rich people always fuck the rest over and over again until everything around them crumbles and they are the only ones at the top.

To these people, the real world is where you can work your ass off at the same typical shitty job and forsaking your dreams because dreams are a child's thing and it's not meant to be. The real world is getting a 9 to 5 job ( or in Malaysia's instance an 8 to 6 job, or sometimes 8 to 7 or 8 to 8 ) with a just above average salary to get you by and have that few drinks you can afford every now and again, and live life by waiting for the next day to come by and repeat the same damn process.

That's the real world to some people. To the next group of realists, the real world is just to make money, and more money and more money without giving a damn who you rip off or fuck up or shit on. That's the rich man's real world. The one prior to that is your average man's real world.

Now flip the coin and you have the dreamers. The dreamers are the ones that dream for what they want, but herein lies two different groups for the dreamers. There are those that dream, and then there are those that make their dreams come true.

You see you can dream the dream all you want, but if you don't put the pedal to the metal, or kick the gears in motion, and work your ass off for it, theres no way in hell's way, would you ever get even the closest to it. I hate it when people make "plans for the future" but do nothing towards it. Empty talk is no talk. The only way out is walking the talk. Faking the talk is for losers.

I don't see anything wrong in being a bit more optimistic than the rest. Hope is a fighting power that ignites within us that pushes us to the brinks of any wall. It's that driving force of reason to want something. To just destroy that and fuck it all away because it's "unrealistic" and damning it to fuckery, is on all levels, plain old stupid.

Why can't anyone want what they dream off. Hard work, and a realistic approach guarantees everything.

That's the point here, a realistic approach.

If you have a realistic plan in motion that could make things work, anything is possible. Now is that unrealistic? I think not. Not having a plan is unrealistic. Not knowing what you're doing is unrealistic. Beating around the bush about doing something when you're achieving nothing everyday is in itself unrealistic.

So to all the nay sayers out there, that push people down for not being "grounded", here's a big "Fuck You Very Much".

To all the dreamers who have a plan, never say never.

And to all the people who have hit a cul de sac, it's time to wake up, grow up and move up, the world aint gonna wait for you, and it never will.

Airplane Food Does Suck if You're a Virgin.... Flyer

2009-01-27T17:59:00.000-08:00

Airplane food has always been shit. It always has and it always will. No matter what airline you get on, and no matter how much they hype about how tasty their food is on their amazing plane, it always turns out to be like a huge pile of turd. Imagine having to fly for 6 hours or worst, 14 hours, and all you have is some gooey pile of crap, with cold rice or cold chicken, and some cake that looks like it's been in the fridge for too long; it would be an utter write off if you were to eat it. But you're too hungry at the time to give a fuck, so you eat it any way and you find yourself in an ample mount of a shit storm latter in the toilet swearing off any airline food served to you ever again.

You know what's even worse? When you're actually subjected to pay for that kind of shit on an airplane. Like literally buy the food on the airplane. Ever heard of Air Asia? Malaysia's leading airline premiers? The one that's taking everyone by storm? Yes, not only do they serve shitty food on the airline, they also make you PAY for it. Like you're sitting in a mamak stall and you call for the butt ugly air stewardess for some roti canai and curry and all you get is a stringy elastic rubberry feeling, expandable looking roti with some brown watery stuff that is wrongfully labelled as "curry" when in fact it looks like that pile of turd you just shat out when you had you're last brush off with diarrhea. This really is due to the crazy cheap prices you get for this airline. Yes the prices for the air tickets are dirt cheap, so really we shouldn't be complaining about the almighty crap food, the horrible tiny seats or the butt ugly air stewards that come serve us with their god awful cheap make up. So cutting costs is allowed? WRONG. If you're gonna be charging people for eating food on your airplane, at least make the food GOOD.

What's worse on Air Asia is their tiny shitty little seats. You sit there with your legs crammed up against your face, with your balls in a twist and your tits ( for the women ) in a sling due to the lack of ass space on your bottom. And then you enjoy the ride....

I do not understand how in the anus of zeus does anyone manage to sit through 8-9-10 hours of flight hours, in sucha position. Yes air asia flies from Kuala Lumpur to Melbourne and Sydney and i hear even Manchester? Well looks like the next time i fly to the UK it definately won't be Emirates, but of course Air Asia. Yes, 14 hours of gruelling butt numbing positions, while eating the shittiest food in the world. Thank you Air Asia, you're a fuckin legend!

And i hear they don't even have the tv video thingies? No entertainment? No movies? no music? Just a prison cell with horrid seats and shitty service for 14 hours? awww hell nawww...

No way in hell am i flying with Air Asia to any country further than Singapore or INdonesia. Farrrkk thaaaaattt..

Anyways if you've been in the dark lately, Richard Branson the father of all things Virgin ( terrible joke i know ) has signed a deal with Air Asia so that both airlines can work together to provide the same quality of services to the rest of the world. Now when i first heard this, i was like hey, this is actually a pretty fucking good idea. That Tony Fernandez guy is a smart guy yeh.. ( he's the boss of Air Asia ). Not really, no. He's just making more money by putting in less money into the airline business. With Virgin Airlines more money can be rolled in, with less money shelled out. Classic.

Anyways if Air Asia's standard is gonna be like Virgin Airlines...it's no wonder the state of the food or any other service on these planes have gone to almighty hell. Virgin Airlines have some of the world's shittiest food on it's plane. You have no fuckin idea but i'll show you.

This is a letter recently received by the Virgin Atlantic customer complaints team and is currently being hailed on news blogs, such as this one on The Telegraph as possibly the funniest customer complaint letter ever.

Richard Branson himself called the author to thank him for the feedback. That's how shitty the food gets on Virgin.

Here's the complaint letter. This is definately balls out funny stuff. Enjoy.

Dear Mr Branson

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it:

I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don't get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it's next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That's got to be the clue hasn't it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in:

I know it looks like a baaji but it's in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you'll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It's only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what's on offer.

I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it's Christmas morning and you're sat their with your final present to open. It's a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it's more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It's mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it's baffling presentation:

It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn't want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on:

I apologise for the quality of the photo, it's just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson's face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel:

Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I'd had enough. I was the hungriest I'd been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations:

Yes! It's another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

Richard.... What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I'd done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn't eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can't imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It's just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it's knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincererly...